Witnessing roadway havoc
I’m pretty certain that people who do not drive anywhere during the majority of the year dust their cars off a few days before Thanksgiving and wreak havoc on the highways, byways, city streets and in parking lots on and off through Dec. 26.
I don’t know why these folks feel it necessary to actually go shopping during this time of year when the rest of the year they just shop online but, they do. Big sigh.
I had a big list of errands to accomplish earlier this week which required running around in both Oroville and Chico. I was out and about for roughly six hours and during that time I witnessed a driver going the wrong way on a one-way street and another run a stop sign. I watched in horn-honking disbelief as a man made a left-hand turn from the right-hand lane.
I got stuck behind a woman going 15 miles per hour below the 25 mile per hour speed limit and nearly got rear-ended by the car coming up behind me. I and several other drivers got stuck in a parking lot aisle as a man in a dually pickup tried to reverse into a tootight parking space — back two inches, forward three inches, turn wheel and back four inches, turn wheel and forward five inches, reverse two inches, forward three and on and on and on. It took him so long that my freshly shaved legs grew enough hair that when I got home, I shaved (again) and made a donation to Locks of Love.
And during all of this nonsense and much more which I will not detail here, I kept searching for a radio station that was not playing Christmas carols over and over and over again.
I realized too, after the fourth deranged driver incident and third incompetent driver encounter and a few crazy freeway dashing, jaywalking pedestrians thrown in for good measure, that I was running out of names to call these plagues to what should have otherwise been my simple excursion so, mostly to keep myself entertained and my blood pressure from skyrocketing, I challenged myself to stop swearing and cursing and began making up names to call these people.
It lifted my spirits, this little bit of my own personal creativity as I shouted things like:
“Easy Bake Oven!” “Expired coupon!” “SPAM!”
“Squeaky grocery cart wheel!”
“Inconvenient fire drill!” “Drippy faucet!”
“Itchy sweater!” “Wedgy!”
“Unnecessary movie sequel!” “Bounced check!” “Running toilet!”
“Moldy cheese!” “Lukewarm beer!” “Ripped shopping bag!” “Cold soup!”
“Sweaty armpit!”
“Sun glare!”
“Wet sock!”
“Dirty laundry!” “Single-ply toilet paper!” “Dead battery!”
“Soggy burger bun!” “Hangnail!”
“Political door hanger!” “Error message!”
And, because I am not completely without holiday spirit: “Broken ornament!” and “Turkey baster!” and “Empty stocking!”
Then, last but not least, to the guy who didn’t pull over for the ambulance, the crowning jewel in my none swearing name calling and exclamation repertoire, “Audit you, buddy!”
Yeah, while the first 28 are pointed, that last one is sure to strike fear in one and all. I think I’ll use it more often.