Deciding to identify as a Democrat

Now that we can be anything we want, I think I’ll become a Democrat.

Preferably a female Democrat. I fantasize about women’s locker rooms.

Mainly though, I want to be able to support a president that campaigns from his basement, and can operate a successful business partnership with China and Ukraine while living with senile dementia.

I want to know the primary criteria to qualify for vice president, cabinet secretary, brain surgeon, airline pilot, or soldier will be gender flexibility and/ or race.

I want to stop worrying about all those strangers bringing God knows what across the border.

I want to appreciate that a full grocery cart costing more than my first divorce isn’t inflationary.

I want to support government schools that teach kids the evils of obsolete Christian culture, and that education is none of the parents’ business.

I want to believe the earth will end in five years if I continue to eat beef and/or use internal combustion engines.

I want the Department of Justice to have my back, knowing anyone whining about losing their freedom, their guns, or voting incorrectly will be punished.

It’ll be nice to have the alphabet news industry giving me moral support, knowing they’ll never go off script.

As a convert, I’ll try not to cry in public if I hear insensitive words, like family, or selfreliance. On second thought, fascists need to see that they’re using hurtful speech.

I want to feel Democrats are leading us toward Utopia, and everything’s just peachy.

— Jack McWherter, Cherokee