Outsmart ‘positivity pressure’

Experts reveal easy ways to trade forced optimism for true joy

After months of stress, you feel a tangle of emotions over how much our lives have changed. This turmoil, however, is hidden from view, as you push down your anxiety and uncertainty and smile for the world, telling yourself, Everything will be fine. But psychologists say that stifling these difficult feelings can trigger “toxic positivity,” a false facade that creates a disconnect between our emotions and our authentic selves, making it harder to find true solace from stress.

“The cultural narrative telling us to ‘be positive,’ makes us believe we constantly have to strive to be happy,” says Susan David, Ph.D., author of Emotional Agility. And while this intention may not sound so bad, research tells a different story: “When being happy is our goal, we’re dramatically less so over time,” asserts David, “because unrealistic expectations cause us to suppress emotions like regret and anger, which help us learn and grow.”

This “positivity pressure” is also harder on women, says Lisa Feldman Barrett, Ph.D., author of Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. “When a woman expresses a negative emotion like anger, people tend to infer that’s part of who she is—i.e., she’s an angry person. Whereas when a man expresses emotion, others assume it’s circumstances making him feel that way.” The result: Women are often conditioned to “put on a happy face.”

Ignoring our feelings is more than just stressful: “It also has a physiological cost, similar to a ‘metabolic tax,’” says Feldman Barrett. “When we suppress our true feelings, we expend extra energy—this ‘tax’ adds up.” Indeed, false positivity is downright draining. Here, strategies to help you embrace your emotions and find genuine joy.