Your secret to genuine joy!
Showing yourself compassion sparks joy and confidence—but this emotional honesty can also stir up past hurts. Here, how to shut the door on stress while letting in self-love
For years, your inner critic held a bullhorn… but you’ve recently begun to silence this unfair voice by showing yourself more compassion. When you made a mistake the other day, for example, instead of your typical refrain, I’m such an idiot, you gently reminded yourself, It’s okay, I’m human. Yet rather than feel good, a surprising uneasiness wells up within you. Why did it take me so long to be kind to myself? you wonder. This guilt is perfectly normal, and acknowledging it is the first step to slaying a sneaky, surprising stress that often accompanies self-kindness.
“The distress that arises when we start to show ourselves compassion is called emotional backdraft, and it’s incredibly common,” reveals Christopher Germer, Ph.D., co-author of The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. Whether you talk to yourself lovingly or place a comforting hand on your heart when you’re reeling from a setback, you may feel worse…at least at first. “That’s because self-compassion is very activating,” adds researcher Kristin Neff, Ph.D. “When you begin showing yourself love, all the ways you’ve felt unloved also get stirred up, and difficult emotions rush in because you’ve opened your heart. But this is actually a good sign—that’s how you know self-compassion is impacting you.”
Indeed, like black letters on a white background, being good to yourself provides a contrast that allows you to see the opposite: tough emotions you’ve bottled up. “But the great thing about self-kindness is that it can be a corrective,” says Germer. “It helps you release those difficult emotions and finally heal from them.” Here, easy ways to process stress and emotional backdraft to reap the joyful rewards of self-compassion.