I hate your dog (or maybe it’s just you)

A coworker and I were returning from lunch one afternoon when he confessed to me his dislike of a particular ilk of people, then asked me if I thought this made him a horrible person.

“Oh, we all have our biases and prejudices,” I said, trying not to sound too horrified by what I had just heard. “Who are you prejudiced against?” he asked. “Well, I can’t stand people who like dogs.” “Wait, that’s not niche enough to be a prejudice,” my co-worker scoffed. “That’s like 98 percent of human beings.”

I paused for a second, and then concluded, “That’s a fair estimate.”

I don’t like dogs, which I know makes me the most awful, heartless and untrustworthy person on planet Earth. More specifically, I don’t like how I’m expected to like everyone’s dog, and raise no objections to their increasingly intrusive presence in American life.

I hate dogs in the workplace, in stores and especially in restaurants. I loathe the whole pets-are-people-too movement that has elevated canines to the same level of humans, deserving of equality, justice and even trigger warnings.

The most recent example of this is the un-American meme scolding people for shooting fireworks on the 4th of July without considering how traumatic the sounds can be for our precious little pooches. If your dog doesn’t like fireworks, you might have a commie pinko in your home.

I laugh at the near-universal misconception that dogs offer unconditional love; stop feeding your dog or otherwise taking care of its every need for a few days, and I bet you’ll learn how conditional its love is. It’s worth noting that I’m writing this column during the same weekend that I am dog-sitting for a friend, which underscores my belief about how irrational dog owners can be.

My most annoying interactions with dogs come on city streets, where many pet owners mistakenly believe that their dog – and specifically, its leash – is entitled to take up five-

“I hate dogs in the workplace, in stores and especially in restaurants. I loathe the whole pets-are-people-too movement that has elevated canines to the same level of humans, deserving of equality, justice and even trigger warnings.”

sixths of the sidewalk, and they assume that everyone loves their dog. I shouldn’t have to step into traffic, or show discomfort toward your dog’s sniffing, before you exercise the most basic responsibilities of pet ownership.

A couple of weeks ago, I was walking to lunch and approaching a guy walking a teacup dog of some sort. The dog walker saw that I was coming, and had plenty of time to rotate his wrist and make sure his dog was under control, but the dog lunged at me and made me take an irregular step.

In my altered path, my foot happened to kick a small pebble, which projected into the pup’s butt region and caused him to yelp. I truly felt bad, because as much as I dislike dogs I have no desire to go around being violent toward them, and because I only wish the inconsiderate dog owner could have felt some of his pet’s pain.

For my frustration is more with pet owners than the animals themselves, and their presumption that everyone wants to be their dog’s best friend. Ryan Lee is an Atlanta writer.