Confessions of a New Age ex­per­i­men­tal­ist

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My cat watched me stand­ing half-naked in our bath­room. I was try­ing to fig­ure out how to climb over a piece of out­door fur­ni­ture I just wedged in the tiny space, after which I would at­tempt this for the first time. But I’m get­ting ahead of my­self.

First, you need to know I am a part-time New Age ex­per­i­men­tal­ist. In other words, I make ef­forts to learn out-of-the-box think­ing and only try it out for a lim­ited amount of time. For in­stance, I spent a year as a mem­ber of a Body & Brain fa­cil­ity, where I learned Dahn yoga tech­niques and par­tic­i­pated in a week­end work­shop of Find­ing Your True Self. I have had sev­eral ex­pe­ri­ences speak­ing with tarot card read­ers and psy­chics, and made sure to get my chakras cleaned be­fore at­tempt­ing to have our son.

Fre­quent­ing New Age book­stores, my li­brary con­sists of such books with ti­tles like “Au­to­bi­og­ra­phy of a Yogi,” “In­tro­duc­tion to the Alexan­der Tech­nique,” and “Reiki for Be­gin­ners.” Friends have even termed my ac­tiv­i­ties and at­ti­tudes “hip­pie-dip­pie,” since some things I do in my spare time don’t al­ways match the no-non­sense per­sona I give on air. Open to learn­ing most of these ideas, I will at­tempt to uti­lize their sug­ges­tions at least once whether that be diet, men­tal ex­er­cises and, at times, phys­i­cal ones.

That is how I ended up en­gi­neer­ing this re­cent feat in my bath­room. It con­sisted of a five-gal­lon bucket, a wrought iron lawn chair, a towel, tub­ing and a plas­tic board. “The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity” sug­gested reg­u­lar colon cleans­ing was a key to bet­ter health and longevity, and gave in­for­ma­tion on how to per­form this task in the pri­vacy of your own bath­room.

En­thu­si­as­tic, I pur­chased the board and tub­ing from a rep­utable com­pany and was pre­par­ing to spend the next 40 min­utes read­ing a book and flush­ing my lower half. What I didn’t do was mea­sure the length of the board that would be placed be­tween the chair and toi­let, only then re­al­iz­ing my bath­room was not as big as the ex­am­ple pic­tures. I also re­al­ized I didn’t have a proper chair in­side the house, so the out­side iron chair was the only op­tion I had.

My Si­amese stuck it out to watch his ridicu­lous hu­man ma­neu­ver these items in a very Tetris kind of way so I could try and get the job done, which is why I had to climb over the chair to get to my rest­ing place since there was no more room to walk. After I fi­nally got it go­ing, the ac­tual tech­nique worked some­what, but once I re­al­ized I had been there for over an hour and the bucket wasn’t even half­way emp­tied, I gave up and stored the items for a fu­ture, much big­ger home, where I could ex­e­cute it prop­erly.

After all this ex­per­i­ment­ing and the many in­vest­ments I have made in said board, crys­tals, stones, es­sen­tial oils, juicers, herbs, raw foods, foot patches, Neti Pots, wooden pil­lows, yoga clothes and pressure point socks, what have I learned? So far there is no real de­vice or prac­tice that solves all your prob­lems, but my curiosity will no doubt keep up the search, much to the amuse­ment of those around me … two and four-legged alike.

Melissa Carter is rec­og­nized as one of the first out ra­dio per­son­al­i­ties in At­lanta and has been heard over the years on B98.5 and Q100. In ad­di­tion, she is a writer for the Huff­in­g­ton Post. Fol­low her on Twit­ter @Melis­saCarter.

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