Dying father withdraws from family

Dear Amy: My father is 87 years old.

My mother died when I was a teenager.

Dad met a great woman almost 20 years ago and moved a couple of states away to be with her.

My brother and sister have both lost contact with him, but Dad and I talk every week on the phone, and I visit once or twice a year.

He has been battling cancer for years, but now the cancer has spread, and he is no longer receiving any medical treatment.

He is very weak and not able to talk on the phone for more than a minute or two.

My husband and I made plans to drive several hours to see him.

Initially this plan seemed fine, but a few days later I got an email from his lady friend.

She said that he didn’t want to see me. He knew it would be the last time, and he couldn’t handle saying goodbye.

He wanted me to remember him the way he was the last time I saw him.

She just doesn’t want to put him through the emotional upheaval.

Deep down I understand my father, and know that I would probably feel the same way.

Everyone is telling me that I will regret it if I don’t go. What should I do?

Sad and Confused

Dear Sad: People who are near the end of their lives sometimes withdraw from even close friends and family members.

I have experienced this with family members, and understand that it is painful to be on the receiving end of this sort of decision.

Shoot a video of yourself and send it to your father’s partner so she can show it to him.

Tell him how much you love him, share some happy or funny memories, and express your gratitude to him.

Yes, you should also travel to where you father lives (do not ask to stay in their home). Tell his partner that you understand that he doesn’t want to see you, but that you want to be nearby.

Do not sweep in and make this last period of your father’s life about you and your needs. In being present, mindful, respectful, and helpful, you will find that some of your own needs will be met, and yes, you will have fewer regrets.