Wife’s spending creates a debt trap

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for a long time. We both grew up in working-class families, were the first in our families to graduate from college, and had respectable careers in different industries.

Now that we’re more or less retired. I have a small online business that supplements our Social Security income, and her pension. (My 401k disappeared in the last recession.)

I try to set aside money for special purchases and be prepared for unforeseen emergencies.

On the other hand, she buys all sorts of stuff online and puts it on various credit cards: Clothes, food, books, household items, you name it.

We have literally piles of unopened packages and brand-new stuff, and it never seems to end. I think it is some sort of hoarding complex.

I have tried talking to her about the spending, but she is highly secretive about our finances and when I press her for details, she picks a fight about something I did or said years ago. She accuses me of not trusting her (and I don’t, really) and being paranoid (I probably am).

If something happens to her, in the state where we live, I would be liable for the credit card debt that is in her name.

I am afraid I would be bankrupt if she passes away. She refuses to even discuss any kind of counseling. What can I do? Lost in a Blizzard of Packages

Dear Lost: When your wife runs up debt on multiple cards and hides all of it from you, she is committing “financial infidelity.” This has exposed a huge rift in your marriage (you cannot have a healthy, functioning marriage if one partner is lying about something so important). Unfortunately, unlike with other kinds of fidelity, ultimately the consequence and burden of her behavior may be borne by you.

Shopping — and buying — can give some people a dopamine hit, similar to gambling or addictive behavior.

Instead of confronting her in anger, you could try to gently pry open the vault by enlisting her as a partner in your long-range financial planning. If she insists that her purchases are affordable, ask her to show you the paperwork.

Regardless of how your wife responds, you should definitely see a counselor and a lawyer.

Ask Amy,

P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. e-mail: askamy@tribune.com