Adoption complicates wedding plans
Dear Amy: My biological great-aunt and uncle adopted me when I was 2 years old. I am now 20, and I’m planning my wedding. My adoptive parents are my world, and I couldn’t be more grateful to them.
I have a very close relationship with my mom, and plan on including her in my wedding, just as anyone normally would.
Because it was an open adoption and my adoptive parents are my great-aunt and uncle, I do know my biological mom.
She and I have more of a friendly bond than a mother/ daughter bond. I am getting married next year, and I want to include her somehow, but my adoptive mom gets jealous and hurt about certain things when it comes to including her.
How can I incorporate my biological mom, but not hurt my adoptive mom’s feelings?
Also, should I give my biological mom a corsage to wear?
I’m not sure what to do.
Unsure Bride
Dear Unsure: This is tricky, because all of your parents are also related to one another (I take it that one of your biological parents would be your parents’ niece or nephew). There is no doubt a lot of challenging history there, before and after your birth and adoption.
In my opinion, you should invite your biological mother to the wedding, and give her a seat in the front row, along with other family members. Yes, it would be nice for you to give her a corsage.
Weddings are highly charged events; feelings and insecurities are heightened in anticipation. Communicate with your parents honestly, letting them know what your plans are, giving them time to adjust.
Consider having both of your (adoptive) parents — not just your dad — walk you down the aisle to formally present you to your prospective spouse. They deserve that honor.
Understand that your mom might feel threatened, jealous, and upset, no matter what plan you present. Affirm her feelings, saying: “I know this is hard, but there is no question in my mind about who my ‘real’ parents are — you two! I hope you can keep that in mind and help me by being friendly to my biological mom during the events. It’s hard on me, too, but I’m trying to do the right thing.”