‘ There’s no going back to normal’
Eight years after Sandy Hook, families remember loved ones
NEWTOWN — On a day when the veil is thinnest between life and that tragic December morning in 2012, observances here are subdued — in part because of COVID-19 restrictions, and in part because of a growing understanding that people need to grieve individually.
The last thing Newtown wants on the most solemn day of its calendar is to keep families from honoring their loved ones in their own way.
“There’s no going back to the way it was before,” said Daniel Krauss, the chairman of a group advising the town about a me
town has never been closer to a final design to memorialize 26 victims of the Sandy Hook shooting. morial for the 20 first-graders and After several starts and stops six educators slain at Sandy Hook to find the right site for the meElementary School. “It impacted morial, and to settle on a design everybody – and how it impacted that everyone could agree on and them depends on the person, so that Newtown could afford, the we need to respect where people matter is expected to go before are in their grief.” voters in a referendum in April.
Families of loss have been sayIf Newtowners approve, coning as much since the tragedy struction could begin on a multisent shock waves across the counmillion-dollar memorial in a retry eight years ago, but it took a mote meadow not far from the peer-reviewed study of 15 Sandy new Sandy Hook School, and be Hook families published this complete by the 10th anniversary summer to underscore the point: in 2022. The memorial design, grouping together the 26 families which features a “sacred as though all their grief is the sycamore” in a reflecting pool same makes the trauma worse. encircled by the names of the
It’s a message some families slain children and their educafind themselves emphasizing tors, relies on nature to nurture more on social media this time of the visitor. year. The town has come this close to
“Did you know that no one a consensus largely because the group represents all families? Not group entrusted with champieven in one community,” tweeted oning the memorial was encourNelba Marquez-Greene, whose stead, there will be two smaller getting out of Newtown. aged to take as much time as it daughter Ana Grace was slain in morning Masses, and a private “We are trying to move through needed. The volunteer group the 2012 shooting. “It’s honoring evening Mass with the traditional this difficult time personally, includes members of three famiand respectful to allow people to reading of the victims’ names. although we also understand so lies that lost a child in the shootspeak for themselves.ing.IntheirFurthermore,insteadofatradi-manypeoplearedevastatedand own words.” tional interfaith prayer service, hurting and deeply affected by Patience continues to be a driv
In Newtown, respecting the the annual ceremony will be the pandemic,” said Mark Baring principle of wellness in Newvarieties of grief has traditionally livestreamed online. den, who lost a son in the 2012 town, particularly in the face of a meant no town-wide observance The irony is that although the school shooting. “It’s hard to culture that often rushes recovery on the anniversary, in favor of a COVID-19 restrictions are having wallow in our own grief, but this in a bid to outflank grief. moment of silence and encouragethe desired effect of keeping VIPs is the first time we have been “It’s not over for a lot of peoment from Town Hall to reflect and the media out of Newtown on home for the holidays since Danple,” Krauss said of the tragedy. “I privately at home or in church. the rawest day of the year, the iel was with us.” don’t think it will ever be over for But this year, because of concerns pandemic is also straining and anybody.” about the coronavirus, there will changing life in profound ways Tricia Pinto, a member of the also be no large anniversary Mass over the holidays – such as prememorial advisory group who for VIPs and the public at the venting travel for those families also serves as victim care coorditown’s only Catholic church. In- that cope with the anniversary by nator for Newtown’s Center for
‘It’s not over’
The 8th anniversary of the worst crime in Connecticut history comes at a time when New
Support and Wellness, said the heaviness-of-heart that’s been part of her life since her son Jack was killed in the Sandy Hook shooting is hard to explain to people who’ve never experienced that kind of pain.
But there she was trying to explain the pain after her older son and the Newtown High football team had just won the state title with a dramatic, walk-off touchdown exactly one year ago today, on the 7th anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting.
“It’s always so difficult to explain what it feels like to hold grief in your heart while celebrating these precious moments,” Pinto told reporters after the elation of the victory was spent. “To be honest, as the weekend came and went, we’re just missing Jack.”
In the end, a day that’s ingrained in the national memory is every day for families of loss.
Difficult as it is to suffer grief as intense as the day the tragedy happened, Barden said he can’t imagine coping without the support of family and friends in Newtown.
“Our family is our primary source of strength, and we have a close circle of friends – some of whom we knew before the tragedy and some who we have built relationships with since the tragedy,” Barden said. “Our personal experience has been our family and this community has wrapped its arms around us and lifted us up.”