Parents try to regain control of screens post-COVID
Back on Sept. 22, I wrote a column headlined, “COVID ruined screen time rules and now my child’s a device addict.” It was a hit.
Many of you wrote in, telling me how much you appreciated my words, how you no longer felt alone, filled with shame and desperation. It was like PCPA — short for Parents of Cell Phone users Anonymous. As my husband, Ian, says, you were “being heard” (except Ian says he is “not” being heard, but whatever).
In the column I referred to a “high-functioning couple,” or HFC, friends who I basically try to copy — I literally take notes. Problem is, when their high-functioning choices fall flat at Chez Haft, Ian and I often show up as a mirror inversion — the nonfunctional couple, or NFC. Which is not helpful.
Regardless, the first time I wrote about the high-functioning couple’s choices — headlined as “Rules on screen time? Ask the committee” — was in a column waaaaay back in the halcyon days of BC — Before COVID. I outlined the screen rules this HFC had made for their kids — which was a masterpiece.
Then the pandemic set in and everything went haywire, and the HFC had to regroup — which, I’ll admit, made me feel a little better about the state of our increasingly obstreperous abode. Even the mighty had fallen.
New Screen Rules
This past September, I promised to follow up with advice on our pandemic screen problem. After weeks of careful consideration and caucusing, the HFC, often referred to as “the committee,” came up with the following New Screen Rules, which I am happy to share with you now and which are already on our refrigerator.
Why are we creating new screen rules
Over COVID, we let you have lots of screen time because you were stuck at home and it was a way to let you connect socially. However, now that you are back in school, vaccinated, taking precautions, we want you on your phones less and IRL more. (IRL stands for “In Real Life” — I had to look it up, too.)
Knowing how to balance screen time in a healthy way is a skill that will improve your grades, health and social lives. We don’t want to ever take away your phones. And if you show us you can use them responsibly, that won’t happen.
The rules
You may text adults if you need help with anything, at any time, if you are not in the same apartment or house as them. If you are in the same apartment or house, you need to put your phone down and find them and ask for what you need.
Monday to Thursday
When you wake up, you can check your phone for news and missed texts. No social media until after school (this means you, (name here). No Instagram posting during school hours.
When you get home from school, you can have 15 minutes of free phone time to unwind or chat with friends. You can have another 15 minutes at any time as a break from homework. We will set up a charging station outside your rooms and other than those two 15-minute breaks, that is where you keep your phones on school nights.
Bedtime is 10:15 p.m. When you are ready to go to bed, you can get your phone and bring it to your room. But you can’t use it until the next morning. (I will check this.)
Friday to Sunday
Free screens Friday after school
Saturday morning or before: Write out a homework schedule for the weekend. Mom will check these. No screens until I have seen these.
A minimum of one hour of physical activity is mandatory on each weekend day.
Beyond this — based on your homework plan, we will discuss when you can be on your phones over the weekend. Mom will do this with you Saturday morning. Find me when you wake up.
Where to start?
First of all, I love the way the HFC explains basic concepts under the “Why are we creating school rules” section:
Over COVID, we let you have lots of screen time because you were stuck at home and it was a way to let you connect socially.
This is brilliant in its simplicity; we often assume our kids just “get this,” but writing it out is a Jedi move. Remember: we’re dealing with the Death Star now.
Knowing how to balance screen time in a healthy way is a skill that will improve your grades, health and social lives. Again, we think this is obvious, but to your kids it’s not; they grew up in a different world. Which begs the question, how do we know, we grew up in a different world, too. But that is a nonfunctional question — and thus immediately ejected.
We don’t want to ever take away your phones.
(Although, admit it, sometimes it’s fun.) And, if you show us you can use them responsibly, that won’t happen. Love it; Etiology 101. But again, not obvious. I seriously think my kids believe I enjoy taking away their phones. Moral? Spell it out and you, too, can be high-functioning household.
The rules are straightforward — the brevity and contextualization across a full range of scenarios promotes an absolutism not seen since the standards set for Facebook’s Oversight Board. Of course, it’s also probably the reason these people have their own swimming pools, basketball courts and wine cellars. They take no prisoners — except cell phones, that is.
“But what happens when things go wrong?” we ask like an incredulous NFC.
When asked, the HFC texted me a picture of a small cell phone jail, complete with a lock-and-key
and little bars. The offending child can see and hear notifications from their incarcerated device but can’t access them.
Look, I’m not saying these rules will bring you a high-functioning lifestyle, but it’s a start. And if things get rocky, remember your friends at the high-functioning household, breathe and use that little jail. You got this, you Jedi, you. Claire Tisne Haft is a former publishing and film executive, raising her family in Greenwich while working on a freelance basis on books and films. She can be reached through her website at clairetisnehaft.com.