Woman weighs contacting father

Dear Abby: My parents divorced when I was an infant. My father had weekend visitations with me sporadically, if at all. Growing up, I was super angry at him for leaving and blamed him for not being around while I was abused by my stepfather. I haven’t seen my father in person since I was 18.

As a 40-year-old woman with kids, I’m thinking about reaching out. My kids are curious about their grandfather. I’m curious about his life. How do I keep my anger in check and not demand an answer for every bad deed on his part?

Revisiting History

in Tennessee

Dear Revisiting: Because you feel the need to know about your father’s life, reach out and ask him. There is usually more than one side to stories like this. However, refrain from doing it with a chip on your shoulder.

Dear Abby: I have two sons, 28 and 23. My 23-year-old has pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS). He has always struggled in school, with friends, society, jobs and in dealing with his emotional highs and lows.

My older son and his fiancee tell me I should force him to go out on his own — “make him snap out of it.” I have tried to explain his condition, but they don’t listen because it’s not considered a severe disability disease. They are convinced he will be fine and that I need to stop caring for him. My mother and brother, who have been very involved in my son’s life, feel I’m doing the right thing by looking for a home where he will have his own separate apartment.

How do I get through to these individuals that I am doing what is best for him? I have supported my oldest son and his fiancee and son extensively over the years, while my youngest son never asks for financial help. I try to give equally of myself to both of my children. Please advise. Caring Mom in New Hampshire

Dear Caring Mom: Have you considered what your son’s future will be if something should happen to you? For this reason, start a discussion with your son’s doctor about what supportive services for him are available should it become necessary, so you — and he — will be prepared. Clearly, your older son and his fiancee can’t be counted on.