Friend's constant advice on all things begins to grate
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend from college I'm really close to, but they have begun an annoying habit I need help addressing. We live more than 1,000 miles apart, and over the past six months, I've noticed that my friend has been giving me unsolicited advice on daily tasks that don't concern them. At first it didn't bother me. Now it's happening three or four times a week.
I think they mean well, but the "friendly" reminders are beginning to come across as condescending. Some examples: If I mention what I'm making for dinner, I'll be reminded to make sure the chicken is cooked to the correct temperature. I have a vacation planned, and I was just reminded that in order to go I need to have flights booked.
I'm afraid I may be overreacting, which is why I haven't said anything. However, these constant reminders are frustrating and leave me with the impression that my friend thinks I'm stupid or incapable of taking care of myself. What's your advice on how to handle this? -- NOT A KID AND NOT STUPID
DEAR NOT: A way to handle it would be to ask your friend why the advice was being offered. If you say you're making chicken for dinner and you are advised to be sure it's cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees, calmly ask why the person felt it was necessary to say it. The same goes for your travel plans and any other unsolicited advice you receive. If you ask the question, you may find that your old friend isn't questioning your intelligence, but simply trying to be helpful.
Wedding's Approach Creates Stress for Entire Family
DEAR ABBY: My niece is getting married. This has been a very stressful time for her family. My sister calls me in tears every night because of the hurtful things her daughter has said to her. Until now, they had a good relationship. I know weddings can be a nightmare for families, even those who are close, because the bride can turn into a "bridezilla." It is HER wedding, although my sister is paying for everything.
Her daughter and the fiance are in their 30s and have well-paying jobs but are very happy to have my sister foot the bill. Sometimes I want to shake my niece and tell her to grow up and show some respect. Is there anything I can do to help my sister other than listen and be there for her? I'm getting worried about her health because of the stress, and she refuses to take care of herself. -- FEELING HELPLESS IN THE EAST
DEAR FEELING HELPLESS: I am sure you are aware that most couples in their 30s who have well-paying jobs foot the bill for their own weddings. Your sister has created this monster with her checkbook. At this point, the most helpful thing you can do for her is what you have been doing -- letting her vent so she doesn't blow a gasket from the pressure.
Woman’s Parents Continue To Host Unfaithful Ex
DEAR ABBY: I divorced my cheating husband, but my mother keeps inviting him over to her and Dad's house. Not only does she invite him, she's now inviting one of the women he cheated on me with! She tries to justify it by saying she isn't going to keep him out of our daughter's life. Our daughter lives with my parents -- but she's 23 years old. Am I wrong to be angry and for telling my mom she was wrong for choosing him over me? Our daughter is an adult and can go to visit her father. -- CHEATED ON AGAIN IN COLORADO
DEAR CHEATED ON: Your mother entertains your husband and his “lady” friend (I use the term advisedly) because, for whatever reason, she can't let go of the relationship. Your feelings are justified. When the good Lord handed out mothers, he should have chosen one more supportive. This is why it's important for your emotional well-being that you move forward with your life. You can't control your mom, but you can control how much time you spend with her.
Aunt Doesn’t Refer to Estranged Nephew by Name
DEAR ABBY: Our family does not have a relationship with my son, “Josh.” My sister occasionally asks me if I have heard from him and, when she does, she refers to him as “your son,” never by his name. I can't imagine myself referring to my niece as “your daughter.” I refer to her by her name. My sister is sensitive and doesn't take criticism well, so I don't know of a polite way to tell her how this offends me. It implies detachment, disinterest, distance. -- DISENGAGED AUNT
DEAR DISENGAGED AUNT: You say your family has no relationship with Josh. Your sister's refusal -- or inability -- to refer to him by his name doesn't just “imply” detachment, disinterest and distance -- it shouts it. It would not be out of line to tell your sister the next time it happens that you find it “hurtful” and ask her to please use Josh's name in the future.
Man Wants To Repay Kindness Received
DEAR ABBY: I got very sick in 2014 and spent six months in the hospital. I'm almost 100% recovered now and I'm grateful to all of those who supported me during this journey. Some family members helped out monetarily -- some in a large way, and others, small. I'm working part time and feel I should pay them back, although none of them has ever said a word about the money. What do you think? -- GRATEFUL GUY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR GRATEFUL GUY: Talk to your relatives. Tell them that although you are working only part time now, at some point you would like to repay their generosity. Some of them may agree; others may refuse. But there is more than one way to repay a “favor.” Bear that in mind should a need of theirs come to your attention that does not involve money. And another thought: If you haven't written these generous people thanking them for helping you when you needed it so much, you should.