Dear Abby: Woman Searching for a Partner Loathes First Dates
DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman who very much wants to find someone to share my life and start a family with. The problem is I hate dating, at least the early stages. To me, first dates aren't exciting; they're just plain awkward and nerve-racking.
I have tried everything to change my outlook on dating, but I still go into every first date with the same enthusiasm as I'd have for a root canal. I truly want a partner in life, but I hate first dates so much I Googled, "Is arranged marriage for me?" Please, do you have any tips for how to have a more positive outlook on dating? -- HATES DATING IN MARYLAND
DEAR HATES DATING: As a matter of fact, I do. I don't know what kind of first dates you are having, but it might benefit you to make them more casual -- a lunch, a coffee, a movie or some other entertainment, so a conversation won't become a third degree. Rather than stress, if you regard a first date as a chance to make a new friend rather than an audition for a life partner, you might enjoy it more and so would your date.
Past Anger Issues Continue To Impact Family
DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned because there is tension in my family and I don't know how to resolve it. I'm 30. In the past, I've had anger issues that may have alienated some family members. I've worked on them and I think I've gotten better in recent years, but I'm still not perfect.
What concerns me is I think one of my brothers might be harboring resentment toward me, but he won't say so directly. I feel bad about the things I've done wrong and I'm willing to do what I can to make up for them, but I don't know how to do that if people won't communicate with me. How can I make things right and show my family I really do care? -- LOST IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LOST: It seems you may not be the only person in your family with unresolved anger issues. People handle their emotions in different ways. While you were overt in demonstrating your anger, your brother is the opposite. He demonstrates his anger with passive-aggression.
Show your family you care by continuing to work on your issues. Apologize to anyone you hurt and offer to make amends. Do the same with this brother in a written message, if necessary. After that, if he still refuses to communicate, recognize that the problem is his and stop making it your own.
Restaurants May Let You Have Your Cake
DEAR ABBY: A friend brought a birthday cake to the restaurant where we were all meeting, and served it after the meal. I voiced my concern that it wasn't fair to the restaurant, since we used extra tableware and dishes for the cake, and deprived them of a possible dessert order. Is what she did acceptable? Or was I out of line to say something? (We left a large tip.) -- NO DESSERT
DEAR NO DESSERT: If your comments dampened the joy of the occasion, you should have kept your mouth shut. Bringing a cake to a restaurant for a special occasion happens often. However, the polite way to handle it is to first check with the restaurant to be sure they don't have a policy against it.
Discovery of Ring Complicates Imminent Engagement
DEAR ABBY: Over the weekend, while I was cleaning and reorganizing our bedroom, I found the engagement ring my boyfriend plans on proposing to me with. I didn't know he was planning to ask the big question, and I'm thrilled that he is going to. I haven't even hinted that I know anything is going on because I don't want to ruin the surprise more than I already
have.
My problem is, I hate the ring he chose. It's beautiful, but, Abby, it's so big. I like dainty jewelry, and it is the complete opposite of anything I would ever choose for myself. What do I do? I love this man with my whole heart. He's my best friend, and we have been there for each other through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. We have great communication and always keep things completely honest between us. I suppose I should suck it up. He chose this ring for me, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Please tell me what to do. -- DISAPPOINTED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Congratulations on your upcoming engagement. Your problem is unique because most of the letters I receive about engagement rings come from women who are disappointed that the stone is so small. However, if the size of the stone in the ring your boyfriend is giving you makes you uncomfortable, your response -- after an enthusiastic “YES!!!” -- could be, “But, darling, this stone is so large we will have to hire an armed guard to accompany me if I wear it outside the house. Are you sure it's wise for me to wear this every day? I would be very happy with something more modest, you know.” (It's worth a try.)
Newly Acquired Assertiveness Ruffles Feathers
DEAR ABBY: I have always been too kind and polite. I give money I shouldn't, say yes to favors I don't want to do and keep my mouth shut in situations where I should speak up. My best friend once told me I shouldn't say what she needed to hear, but only what she wanted to hear.
I have been in therapy for two years now, and have finally reached the point where I'm learning to say no. I love that when I meet strangers, I can use the skills I'm learning and be more assertive.
My friends and family are having a hard time with it. I broke up with the bestie because our relationship had been not only long, but also toxic and abusive. Other people I come in contact with now seem shocked if I say no or voice an opinion of my own. They then proceed to pressure me to change my mind, which makes me transform back into a mouse and comply so I won't seem rude. How can I get them to understand -- in a polite way -- that I am changing for the better, which includes putting myself, my needs and my decisions between yes and no first? -- LOOKING OUT FOR NUMBER ONE
DEAR LOOKING OUT: You and your therapist appear to have been doing some good work. Of course people who hear you say no or state your honest opinion are having trouble with it. That's not the person you were. You are becoming a new person, someone with whom they are not used to dealing. Keep in mind that when someone asks you
to do something you would rather not do, you always have the right to refuse. And when you are pressured to change your opinion, what you should say is, “Intelligent minds can differ,” or, “I'm entitled to my opinion.” It's the truth.
Couple Struggles With Elderly Cat’s Declining Health
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together 39 years, and we generally get along very well. We've always had dogs and cats, and we currently have two of each. While my wife loves all animals, I'm a dog person. I don't dislike cats, but I don't really care for them. The cats and I tend to ignore each other.
We have one who's 20 years old. While he doesn't appear to be in any pain, I suspect he has dementia. He has poor balance. He stumbles into walls and cabinets and has fallen down the stairs a number of times. Recently, he has been peeing in my den and garage. That, I can't ignore.
I think it's time to put the cat down. My wife is calling me cold and heartless. I think when I've lost my mind enough to pee in my den or garage, I hope someone will be compassionate enough to help me go. I'm starting to hate that cat. -- FAVORS DOGS IN EL PASO