Revelation Weakens Divorced Mom’s Version of History
DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a funeral with my mother's family. While I was visiting, one of my aunts confided that my mother cheated on my father while they were married. I'm sure my father has no idea about the affair.
My parents' divorce was extremely ugly. My mother told us many things about our father that I now know are lies -- among them, that he had fathered other children, was a pedophile and had hidden bank accounts full of money in other countries. Because of her lies, my siblings idolize our mother and loathe him.
I think I could change their minds if I told them about her affair. I know the man she had the affair with and could prove what I'm saying. I hate hearing my siblings drag Dad's name through the mud for things he never did, knowing my mother continues to manipulate their emotions and opinions. Should I tell my siblings about her affair? -- OPENEYED DAUGHTER
DEAR OPEN-EYED: Before I answer your question, ask yourself why your aunt confided that information to you. Were her motives pure, or does she dislike her sister? You say your father has no idea that your mother may have cheated, yet you recognize that their divorce was "extremely ugly." Could infidelity have had anything to do with it, and if so, whose?
You also stated that your mother has spent years accusing your father of things he never did. The term for that is "parental alienation." Manipulating children like that is unhealthy because it gives them a skewed vision of what to expect from their own relationships.
You say you can prove what your aunt told you is true. To that I can only ask, HOW? Has it been confirmed by your mother's supposed lover? If it has been confirmed, I see no reason why you shouldn't disclose to your siblings what you were told. But unless you are 100 percent certain that it is true, my advice is to keep your mouth shut and let your aunt be the one who delivers the news.
Hugging Not always a Welcome Greeting
DEAR ABBY: I know you have had this happen: You meet a new person (usually a woman), extend your hand to shake hello, only to have your hand pushed aside with "Oh, I'm a hugger," and you are latched onto by this total stranger.
Shoe on the other foot: Lady approaches me, extends her hand to shake, I push it aside, saying, "I'm a French kisser" -- slurrrp, or "I'm a groper" -- squeeze. Really, what makes people think everybody wants to be hugged? They may think it's sweet; I think it is invasive. Hands over hugs any day, please! -- HUGLESS AND HAPPY IN FLORIDA
DEAR H.A.H.: You make a good point, especially in light of the COVID-19 pandemic, which is why I'm printing your letter. Because this happens to you regularly, you may have to be nimble. Try this: As the huggers hurl themselves forward, take a giant step backward.
Wife in New marriage Seeks Balance With mom
DEAR ABBY: My mom and I have always been close, but since I got married, I have been having a hard time setting boundaries. My parents divorced when I was 12, and Mom went through a string of boyfriends -- including an abusive one. She hasn't dated anyone seriously in the last five years. My father is a pilot. While I was growing up, it was mostly Mom who raised me. It was the two of us against the world, until I met my husband, "Eric." We started dating four years ago and were married last summer.
Eric knows Mom and I have always considered ourselves to be each other's best friend. He also knows we have taken many trips together. It's a tradition Mom was hoping we'd continue after my wedding. She has recently begun discussing a vacation, and Eric wants to tag along. She, however, wants it to be a "just us girls" trip. I'm not sure how to handle this. Mom and Eric are the most important people in my life. Must I really choose between one or the other? Who comes first? And how do I break the news to whoever comes second? -- TORN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TORN: You are a newlywed, married only a short time. For your mother to expect you to leave your husband and vacation with her at this point is insensitive and unrealistic. When people marry, their spouse is supposed to take precedence. Tell your mother you would love to take girls trips with her in the future, but not during the first year of your marriage.
News of Passing Spreads Quickly on Social media
DEAR ABBY: Can you help to illuminate people on what is proper etiquette after the passing of a loved one? We recently had a death in our family. As we were trying to say our goodbyes and get in touch with immediate family, the word got out.
Within an hour of the passing, the news was all over social media. We barely had time to react, let alone inform all our family members. Many of them learned about it from these posts. Imagine finding out a loved one passed away from a nonfamily member's social media posting. It made an already painful situation even more so. People were hurt that they weren't informed before it was plastered all over the internet.
Could you also point out that if you are the person who made the post from which someone found out about the death of a family member, rather than get defensive and say, "I'm not the only one who posted it!" or, "I wasn't the first to say something," just kindly offer your condolences and maybe an apology. -- MOURNING IN MICHIGAN
DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. I am sure that feelings are raw because people are hurting, but please realize that because of social media, news travels like wildfire. For a friend to be told and then to post the sad news wouldn't be unusual these days. However, to head something like that off before it happened, the person who spilled the beans should have asked the friend to keep the news private until all family members were personally informed.
That said, since there were hurt feelings, apologies are in order.