Dear Abby: Siblings Operate on Different Schedules
DEAR ABBY: My brother and I are in our 40s. We live several states apart and visit each other a couple times a year. We are both very active but on different time schedules. I'm a morning person who has been getting up at 5 a.m. for so many years my body will not sleep past then. He's a night owl. He sleeps until 10 a.m. and expects to be doing fun activities until at least midnight. He plans specific activities -- buys us concert tickets to a 9-11 p.m. show that's an hour away, which guarantees to keep us up past midnight. He gets upset if I don't stay up late, because that means we don't get to spend as much time together or do all the fun activities we want. He won't wake up earlier because weekends/vacation days are his only chance to sleep in. (He has to get up at 8 a.m. on workdays, so he's not willing to meet in the middle.)
After our visits, I'm so exhausted it takes me a week to recover from getting only four hours of sleep while he's here, and it affects the quality of my work. Is there a rule of etiquette for guests and hosts regarding adjusting schedules to accommodate each other? Shouldn't the host choose the schedule? For instance, at his house, activities go from 10 a.m. till midnight, but at my house, we get up earlier and go to bed earlier? Or must the host accommodate the guest's preferred schedule? -SLEEPY SIS IN WISCONSIN
DEAR SIS: Houseguests are supposed to abide by the schedule of their host. What this means is your common-sense assertion that when you are at your brother's house you would stay up later, and when he's at yours he would go to bed earlier, is correct.
Sister Separates Herself From the Rest of the Family
DEAR ABBY: I have two younger sisters -"Mara" and "Talia." We grew up very close, thick as thieves. However, as adults, my relationship with Mara has gone from strained to nonexistent, especially as I've grown closer to my youngest sister, Talia.
Mara gave birth to her first child five years ago, and since then, she has cut everyone out of her life, including our heartbroken parents. I was able to stay in contact with her, but she would accuse me of not wanting to see her because I couldn't make time in my schedule to see her kids. (I am a full-time student and have a full-time job.) Bear in mind that Mara has made no effort to meet my schedule, either.
She finally cut all ties with me after Talia and I got matching tattoos centered around video games -- a subject Mara has no interest in. She was upset that we didn't invite her to get one too, but we didn't think she would want a permanent inking of something she had shown distaste for in the past. We invited her to get sister tattoos when she said she was hurt. She said she didn't have time because of her kids, and hasn't spoken to me since.
I feel like nothing I do will make her happy. Am I better off not having her in my life? Or should I try to make amends? -- SISTER STRESS IN UTAH
DEAR SISTER STRESS: You have done nothing for which to make amends. It appears you have one high-maintenance sister who looks for grievances and hangs on to them as though they are precious treasures. I suspect you are correct in thinking nothing you do will make her happy, at least at this point, and -- since you asked -- you may be better off without her making you miserable. I am sorry for your parents and for you and Talia, but sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.