PGA begins today at Tulsa’s Southern Hills
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The PGA Championship begins today at Southern Hills Country Club in Tulsa that airs two days on ESPN then on CBS on the weekend. It’s sponsored by Titleist and Cadillac. The difference between a golf ball and a luxury car is that Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball three hundred yards without hitting a tree.
Sports Illustrated released its annual Swimsuit Issue offering four separate magazine covers with four swimsuit models of different ages and sizes. One model is an extremely plus-size woman. Pictured dining at Shakey’s, she said she’s into fitness, and added that she’s fitness this whole pizza in her mouth.
Bridal Guide reported there is a booming business in weddings this year after two long years of couples putting off nuptials during the pandemic. They said two and a half million couples will get married this year. When two people love each other, nothing is impossible, except deciding where to eat.
President Biden polled his lowest job approval last week for not fixing high gas prices or the high food prices, the border invasion, or baby formula shortage. Back in 1950, little Joe Biden’s third grade teacher told him that he would never get paid to stare out the window all day. I guess he won that round.
Democratic Senator Dick Durbin called on Roe v. Wade pro-abortion protesters to refrain from demonstrating outside justices’ houses. Cable news is showing hundreds of people outside Brett Kavanaugh’s house holding a protest on his front lawn. It’s either that or they heard there was a kegger.
The Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena reports the Mars In Flight Lander is about finished exploring the Red Planet due to dust fogging the solar panels. NASA says since Joe Biden became president they have discovered ten new earth-like planets. They say necessity is the mother of invention.
The House Oversight Committee had public and classified testimony from the Pentagon Tuesday about UFO sightings in order to hear their military conclusion about how real UFOs are and what danger they pose. After watching the UFO hearings in Congress, Biden blamed inflation on space aliens.
National Geographic reports astronomers have begun sending out signals to other galaxies in the Milky Way to give intelligent life the directions to Planet Earth. They can’t get here soon enough for me. At this point, if I get abducted by space aliens, it’s not considered an abduction, it’s a rescue mission.
The White House was stalled by Congress over Biden’s proposals to greatly increase inheritance taxes on estates worth over one million dollars. It would prevent a lot of murder mysteries. I think the cops should investigate every hospital death because way too many rich people die surrounded by family.
President Biden read his speech to Buffalo saying America is being complicit in white supremacy, and he linked a hate crime committed by a mentally ill, teenage racist to Trump supporters. The villain is increasingly obvious. We all know that Joe is a nice guy, but his Teleprompter is trying to start a civil war.
Donald Trump-backed Nebraska GOP gubernatorial candidate Charles Herbster lost his primary race last Tuesday. His campaign was hindered by accusations made by eight women against him of groping them. Too bad, one more and he’d get a free milk shake and order of fries at Feel-a-Chik Fil-A.
CNN charged that the GOP deploys Replacement Theory to scare white people into fearing Hispanic arrivals. However the DNC is incredulous so many illegals turned out to be hard-working conservatives who vote Republican in South Texas. This is where Wile E. Coyote does a slow burn to the movie camera.
The Border Patrol discovered a drug transport tunnel from Mexico to San Diego Tuesday that is fully lit by electricity and ventilated to aid the smuggling. Demand says this is the life we have chosen. We don’t have baby formula, but we do have an unlimited supply of Fentanyl going for us, which is nice.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at ArgusJokes@yahoo.