Hamilton: January 6 committee set to nail Trump
BEVERLY HILLS --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The House January 6th committee met Thursday tasked to nail Trump for the Capitol riots, since the Left considers it treason to deny the Miracle of the Midnight Mail-Ins like those who rioted at the Capitol. Like millions of Americans, I will never forget January 6th, 2021. Gas was two dollars a gallon.
The Consumer Price Index rated Los Angeles America’s most expensive city Friday. Last night I paid a hundred dollars to fill up my Cadillac, eighty-five dollars for a steak at Dan Tana’s, ten dollars for parking and ten dollars to tip the valet. I swear, if I had a family, they’d have to fend for themselves. The CDC reports a new deadly pandemic is sweeping America Friday called car owner virus. The symptoms include nausea and depression when you fill up your car, anxiety when you drive past the gas station and a feeling of panic when your gas gauge approaches E. It kills half of bank balances.
The London Daily Mail listed Phil Mickelson four under par, Dustin Johnson two over par and Sergio Garcia one under par in the first round of the Saudi Arabian golf tour’s first tournament. John Daly had to withdraw after the first round and was beheaded. He beheaded to the next tournament.
The House January Sixth Committee did hearings Thursday in an attempt by Democrats to make Trump the fall guy for the Capitol Hill riots. It was live on network TV in prime-time. As a result, the Women’s College Softball final on ESPN between Texas and Oklahoma enjoyed record-high TV ratings.
The House January 6th Committee enlisted the aid of an ABC producer to aid them in their quest to nail Trump for inciting the riot by questioning the vote count. They picked the right network. Last week I was banned from performing on ABC because I questioned the ratings on Dancing with the Stars.
The House January 6th Committee certified the 2020 election results and denounced any election deniers as insurrectionists. It gets better. The next morning the 9 committee members voted 862-0 to refer charges against Trump for mocking the 853 committee votes which came in after midnight by mail.
NBC News released a poll Monday that reportedly caused President Biden to get angry at aides over the low poll ratings he’s getting. Biden’s approval rating is only high in Central Pennsylvania. That’s probably because the Amish are the only Americans who are not affected by the high gas prices.
Politico reported that President Biden chewed out reporters for his awful press coverage Tuesday during his flight to Los Angeles. Inflation is killing his poll numbers. Here in Los Angeles, the cost of a cemetery plot, a headstone, and landscaping is so high, even the dead are sorry they voted for Biden.
The New York Post reports on new Hunter Biden tapes revealing that President Biden frequently relies on his advice and company. I think it’s possible the president is not semidazed and confused, prone to sudden anger and forgetfulness. I think he just got a contact high from hanging around Hunter.
Closer magazine reported on a huge number of single Baby Boomer men returning to the dating scene and pursuing younger women. Because I hang out with young comics at the Comedy Store, I’m learning to think like a Millennial. Last week I took my date to Starbucks because I forgot her name.
Vladimir Putin took a stand against Western culture Friday and banned all LGBT propaganda in Russia. It caused a mad scramble.
In order to comply, the male dancers in the Bolshoi Ballet may have to replace their tights with blue jeans and scrap their next production of Swan Lake for Oklahoma!
Pixar was urged by the Toy Story franchise voice star Tim Allen to make a Toy Story Five Friday with a Buzz Lightyear movie coming out in movie theaters in ten days. Toy Story movies teach you the precise words to say whenever a celebrity tries to push his political views in your face. You are a toy!