Hamilton: Finland, Sweden invited to join NATO
HOLLYWOOD --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Biden got Finland and Sweden invited to join NATO Tuesday that will put U.S. missiles on Russia’s border. Do we ever get to relax? Living through the years 2020, 2021 and 2022 have been like being in a movie that was written by Stephen King, directed by Quentin Tarantino with a soundtrack by Yoko Ono.
The Supreme Court’s decision overturning Roe v. Wade set off trigger laws in a dozen Red States that either tightened or eliminated abortion rights in those states. Special circumstances generally provide the exceptions. In Texas, abortions are still legal, however the baby gets an AR-15 to defend itself.
Governor Gavin Newsom announced Tuesday he’s going to send California taxpayers inflation rebates. My Cadillac is in the body shop after I turned too sharply in a gas station island and scrunched my passenger door on a post, doing $5,000 damage. I couldn’t drive for a week, saving me $5,000 in gas.
The January 6th Committee heard testimony from the assistant to Trump’s chief of staff who said Trump was so angry he threw his lunch against the wall. Trump could afford to do this before Biden’s food prices. Now Democrats are likely to impeach Trump for assaulting a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Los Angeles hosted a My Body, My Choice rally at the L.A. Forum protesting the Supreme Court overturning Roe versus Wade. A righteous cause is always vulnerable to the risk of hypocrisy. I know ten women who were not allowed inside the My Body, My Choice rally because they were unvaccinated.
Dick’s Sporting Goods announced Monday its health care plan will cover the cost of any female employee on its health care plan to fly to another state to get an abortion. Well, why not? It’s the least they can do for women when you realize it was Dick’s that got them in the trouble in the first place.
Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder may be forced to sell the team over sex misconduct by his front office staff toward women. It’s a good young team with Rookie Defensive Player of the Year defensive end Chase Young. Ten bucks says Chase Young is Ghislaine Maxwell’s favorite football player.
Ghislaine Maxwell got twenty years in federal prison Tuesday for pimping underage girls for her late boss the pedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. It’s so obvious that she and Epstein shared a very special bond. Although they have been apart for three years they’re still finishing each other’s sentences.
CDC Director Rochelle Walensky Saturday recommended all children from the age of six months old to the age of five by given a Covid vaccination shot. If that doesn’t sell enough Pfizer, virologists in India adapted the vaccine to treat dogs. Not to be outdone, China has developed a delicious dipping sauce.
The Wall Street Journal reported that the U.S. divorce rate rose to forty-four percent this year. It so happens that Jerry Hall just announced she’s divorcing WSJ and Fox News Chairman Rupert Murdoch. The one-time supermodel is reportedly furious that he’s living much longer than she expected.
Al Jazeera reported Monday that Pakistan launched a Pakistanmade satellite into outer space to uncover the secrets of the galaxy. Pakistan claimed it has already located water and whales on the planet Jupiter. The next morning the BBC reported that Pakistan’s satellite has been found in the Arabian Sea.
President Biden was in Madrid Tuesday with leaders of NATO countries. Joe’s getting Finland to join NATO, that would put U.S. missiles a nine-iron shot across the lake from St. Petersburg. The good news is, North Korea finally has a market for all those nuclear missiles they have that only go twenty miles.
Green Day’s Billy Joe Armstrong is moving to the UK citing America’s sexism and racism. If it’s not England, the stars threaten to move to Canada or Australia or New Zealand. Have you noticed that when celebrities decide to leave the U.S. due to our racism, they always flee to the White Dominions?
EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at ArgusJokes@yahoo.com.