Coordinate disciplinary efforts with co-parent
Tribune News Service
Q: My son’s father and I share custody of our son, a week with me, then a week with him. We get along well and try our best to coordinate discipline. So when our son got caught cutting school, I let him know how much trouble he was going to be in when his father found out. When he walked in the house, I called his father right then and there and I let his dad yell at him. That put the fear into him! How’s that for good ex-etiquette?
A: Well, it sounds like you and dad are on the same page. You did coordinate efforts and asked for help with the situation, but you gave up all your parental power in the process. Is dad the primary disciplinarian even at your house?
Your son lives in two homes. The “wait until your dad/mom gets home” type of discipline may have worked in a two-parent household.
But now, when so many children go back and forth between their parents’ homes, both parents must take responsibility for discipline when the children are with them.
Of course, anticipating problems and coming to a mutual agreement about how to handle things is the ideal approach, but in certain times you must take a stand immediately.
You can’t “wait until your dad/mom gets home” because dad/mom doesn’t live there. That’s when parents who truly co-parent anticipate a problem, agree to a particular response and stick to their agreement when faced with the need to discipline.
Let’s say the agreedupon response is grounding. For how long? And, does grounded here mean they’re grounded there, too?
Grounded here/grounded there sounds good in theory, but very few co-parents successfully pull it off.
As well as some co-parents get along, sometimes parents don’t see a child’s indiscretion in the same light.
Let’s say mom thinks cutting class is a big deal and dad does his best not to undermine her authority in front of the child, but when their son is back with dad, he laughs it off. “We all cut class, son. Just don’t do it again.”
Mom thinks their son is not watching TV for the week at dad’s, when he is. Then the child has to keep that from mom. Dad thinks he’s being the “cool” dad. It’s not that cool.
If grounding is the agreedupon response, look for ways to keep it within the parameters of the time the child is with you. If you say, “I know your dad/mom won’t ground you when you are there, but you will be grounded again when you get back here!” the chances your child will want to return are pretty slim.
The other side of the coin is if a child knows grounding will cease when it’s time to go to the other home, they will push the envelope the day before they leave.
All this reinforces the need for parents to coordinate efforts. Have that conversation. Figure out how you will support each other’s disciplinary tactics. They don’t have to be the same, but there must be support and recognition of each other’s strategy.
This is the tricky part of co-parenting. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of“Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Email her at the Ex-Etiquette website exetiquette.com at dr.jann@ exetiquette.com.