Getting in touch with each other
You know your marriage is in trouble when you are rebuffed whenever you attempt closeness. I’m talking about affection here, not sex. If you are afraid to give your partner a hug and a little kiss for fear of being pushed away or having them turn their cheek, then yes, you have a problem.
You can restore intimacy, but you both have to want to do it, and to come to that conclusion, you definitely need to talk about what’s going on, which can be hard for many couples. That’s where therapy comes in handy.
You don’t need to commit to a year or even a month. There is absolutely nothing wrong with calling a therapist and saying, “We want one session, just to help us communicate our current feelings.” Then see how it goes. Take what you learn, and then go home and see if you can communicate on your own and reclaim some closeness. If it doesn’t go well, and you liked the therapist, I recommend you go back a time or two more.
Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is an essential component of a healthy marriage. According to a survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, lack of intimacy is a top reason couples divorce.
Unfortunately, if you just wait for the mood to come over you (or your partner), it could be a long, long time. Then again, smoothing things out between the two of you doesn’t have to be difficult. It can be a little embarrassing at first, but once you find what connects the two of you, the rest will come naturally.
After you have been really nice to each other for a little while, if you want more intimacy, you can set the scene to create a romantic atmosphere. Take a bubble bath together, light a candle or many candles, pop open some champagne, and have fun. You may have forgotten how, and are now in the rediscovery phase. All you have to do is acknowledge it to each other and be kind and playful.
Relationship therapists and researchers like Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg, coauthors of Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, recommend that couples work on rebuilding intimacy by expressing affection and spending quality time together. I recommend nurturing your relationship every day.
My wife and I never seem to be able to pass each other without touching or kissing. We cuddle close at night and hold hands when we are out. We say the “three little words” daily and remind ourselves how lucky we are that we both found a really nice person to hang out with for the rest of our lives. And did I mention the deep, warm 60-second hugs? You can have the same thing, if you give it a try.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with over 34 million readers. He is available for video consults worldwide, reach him at Barton@ BartonGoldsmith.com.