ASK AMY Break-up encounters should be negotiations
Dear Amy: I just got out of a nine-year relationship with a man I’m just now realizing was manipulative and mean. Unfortunately, he developed a drinking problem during our time together.
He broke things off twice, and I was the one who had to move out and lose my home and my dog.
After being apart this time, I started to see some things I had ignored before because I loved him so much. He is emotionally abusive at times, as we try to separate our items and as I try to purchase the house from him. He has said things like, “If you don’t drop this, I will take everything, and you’ll get nothing.” Or throwing it in my face that he’s glad we never got married.
I started therapy and have been going now for two years. My therapist has tried to guide me toward what’s healthy, but I think she knew I wasn’t ready to hear it. I was so in love.
I know now that breaking up is a blessing in disguise, but I’m struggling with his behavior because I loved this man for nine years, unconditionally.
How do I navigate this? How do I handle his behavior toward me while we figure things out?
— Struggling and Hurt
Dear Struggling: Like the old song says, “breaking up is hard to do,” even when you know in your bones that it is the right thing to do.
Immediately postbreakup, your thoughts are still anchored to your ex, because being with him has conditioned you to automatically consider his thoughts and feelings before your own. That’s why your relationship was so imbalanced, and why he has disrespected you. Your unspoken pact was that he mattered more than you do.
That impulse on your part is why it is important for you to learn to differentiate between his needs, and your own. You should now work hard to stop “handling” him at all.
If you are splitting up your household, think of these encounters as negotiations, not emotional relationship encounters.
When your encounters and negotiations veer into name-calling or emotional manipulation, you should steer it back to the bloodless practicality of who gets the bookshelf.
Dear Amy: I participate in a number of Zoombased discussion groups. They have been a great way to remain in contact people. Zoom did not take off until COVID-19 hit. But what happens when things return to “normal?”
I posed this question to one of my Zoom groups. The group had met for years in the back room of a local restaurant. With COVID-19’s arrival we switched to Zoom meetings. Most, but not all the former attendees joined. However, over time a number of out-of-towners joined the Zoom group, some from outside the U.S.
My question to the group was what do we do as a group after COVID-19 is gone? Do we cease using Zoom and abandon the group members who can’t meet with us?
Do we resort to in-person meetings with some Zoom connection that brings everyone back together in a hybrid manner? What’s the next normal?
— Zooming By
Dear Zooming: This is a great question. In my own community, where in-person worship service numbers have been greatly reduced by state mandates, we have developed a “hybrid” model of in-person meetings which are also accessible via Zoom.
I believe that this will become the “new normal,” which is ultimately a good thing! Bringing groups together via teleconferencing is one welcome consequence of navigating our “new normal.”
Dear Amy: I was disappointed by your response to “Distressed,” when you described 12-step groups as “God-focused.”
Twelve-step groups suggest finding and relying on a power greater than yourself, of your own understanding, it doesn’t have to have anything to do with “god.”
A higher power can be anything from nature to the more traditional deities. Whatever works!
— Agnostic 12-Stepper
I believe that 12-step programs work, which is why I recommend them. However, Debtors Anonymous, the 12-step program I recommended to “Distressed,” mentions “God” multiple times in their 12-steps, which is why I mentioned it.
Dear Agnostic:
Copyright 2021 by Amy Dickinson
ACROSS
1 Fighting, after “at” 5 Fabled loser
9 Battle of
heavyweights 13 Nail alternative 18 Turkish currency 19 Not quite round 20 Luxury sheet
material 21 Slopping the hogs,
e.g.
22 *Smell awful
24*Do a garage job 26 Shove off
27 Like loud crowds 29 Applied fragrant
hair dressing to 30 Tire pattern 32Golden
34 Hanoi holiday 35 Social function 38 “Cast of thousands” member
40 Davis Cup org. 42 Many Eng. degrees 45 Othello and kin 46 Titled women 47 Last checkbox,
often
48 Set aflame 49 Misfortunes
50Tom and buck 51 SAT prep teacher,
often
52 Firecracker part 53 “Toy Story” bully 54Evaded the
bouncer, maybe 55 Bat-maker’s tool 56 Go through quickly 57 Reserve, as a date 59Home with smoke
flaps
60 Dancing pro 61 Suffix suggesting
wealth
62 Ulna locale 64 Chaplin of “Game
of Thrones” 65Drew out
67 Many airport rides 68 E is the only vowel that doesn’t begin any of their names 72 Napkin material 73Unemotional 74 Destiny and source
of the phoenix 75 Managed care gp. 76 Some eligible
receivers 77 Informed, with “in” 78Communion site 79 Frigate front 80 Tourist’s rental 81 Nitpickers split
them
82 Of great scope 83 Composed tweets,
say
84 Give it a whirl 85 Cost to play
86 Brut, compared to
sec
87 Ate, with “down” 88 Words with stew or
pickle
89 Tender spots 91Took a chance 93 Adorn with sequins 97 Toyed with, cat
style
99Coming and going 103 *Walk off the job 105 *Cause a
disturbance
107 Photoshop, e.g. 108 Printer powder 109 “Winning __
everything”
110 Austen classic
111 Stains on
reputations
112 Knocks out, in a
way 113 Flat-nosed dogs 114 Like some pockets DOWN
1 Auto pioneer 2 Potentially ruinous 3 “Doggone it!” 4 Reacted to a punch 5 More saintly
6 St. Teresa’s home 7“Norma __” 8 Designer
Schiaparelli 9 Roughly one-third
of Africa
10Where embryos
develop
11 Emcee’s lapel
attachment
12 Like GIs in the
kitchen
13Cream cheese
serving
14 Play badly?
15Cross above an
altar
16 Vowel-rich lake 17 Join with a
blowtorch
20 Rubs clean
23Anna of “The Emoji
Movie”
25Wobble 28 Hotels.com quotes 31 *Speculate, in a
way
33 *Have what it takes 35Horse-and-buggy
group
36 Four-page sheet 37*Do a washday
chore
39 Magneto’s enemies 41 Slipper, for one 42 *Try to deceive one
of the base runners 43 Big-box store
division
44Rodeo bovine 46 Take out
47__ Banks 50 Minibike relative 51 Cantina appetizers 52 Shrek’s love 54 “The Elements of Bridge” author Charles
55 Having one’s
doubts
56 Turnips and
parsnips 58 Prepares ham for
an omelet, say 59 Gain popularity on
60 Car washer, at
times
63 Bassoon cousins 65 Send to the Hill 66 Currency of Jordan 69 Migratory herring 70 Portray fury or fear 71 Spread, as seed 73 X-Acto knife cut 74 Skin cream
additive
77 Venice features 78 Respond to reveille 79 Manufactured 81 Homes for gliders 82Suds maker 83 Placement word 86 Ducklings’ dads 87 Reaches a peak 88 Chesapeake Bay,
e.g.
90 Offer a view 92 Winery process 93 Worker during a
walkout 94 Dark cloud 95 Choral part
96 Kett of old comics 98 Faucet annoyance 100 Point a finger at 101 Coin depicting a
torch
102 Totally lose it
104 Obey the
coxswain
106 Pac-12 sch.