Food-snatching incident leaves bad aftertaste

Dear Amy: Several years ago, my husband and I visited his brother and wife for a vacation. We stayed with them and relied on them for transportation.

One night, we went out to dinner. His brother ordered some fried pickles as an appetizer.

My husband told him he had never had one before and reached over to take one. His brother slapped his hand and told him he would order him his own.

My husband, myself and his brother’s wife were in shock. Because we were staying with them and at their mercy, we didn’t say anything. I tried to pay for our dinner after that, but his brother refused to let us. Nothing more was said.

Since then, my husband and I agreed if we ever did visit again, we would never stay with them.

The problem is, we can’t seem to get closure on this.

His brother never apologized, nor has it ever been brought up again between the two brothers, even though they have stayed in touch.

Should we ask for an apology? Should we let him know how much we were hurt by his actions?

— Disappointed Sisterin-Law

Dear Disappointed: Many people treat their dinners like a freewheeling buffet — what’s mine is yours — but there are some people (and I am one of them) who are triggered by others taking food from them, without being invited or asking permission.

What your husband did was also a very siblinglike thing to do, revealing behavior between the two brothers that probably goes back to childhood.

What your brother-inlaw did in response was inexcusable. Everybody’s reaction since then has been inexplicable.

Your husband and his brother have maintained a speaking relationship. He is waiting for an apology that will never come.

Unfortunately, bro-code often suggests that the aggrieved party should just “get over it,” without an acknowledgment or apology from the aggressor. It’s possible that this twisted ethic actually contributed to the slapping incident, because when people don’t use their words, they tend to lash out, instead.

If your husband wants to get over this, he will have to bring it up: “Look, this may seem like ancient history to you, but it has been weighing on my mind. That time you slapped me at the restaurant during our visit really shocked me. It still bothers me.”

His brother will likely diminish the concern. He might say he doesn’t remember it or deny outright that it ever happened. Be prepared.

Dear Amy: We have family around the country. On every one of their birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas, we send checks or gifts, and they never ever say thank you or even acknowledge they even received anything.

It hurts my feelings to never have anything acknowledged, and yet, I don’t have the courage to stop gifting them.

My husband doesn’t care if they thank us or not.

I’ve asked him to take over gift-giving. He says he will. Great!

But doesn’t it all come down to the flat fact that they think we “owe” them these things? We don’t!

What is the way forward? Somewhere between sadness (me) and casualness (him), there must be the right answer.

— Gifted

Dear Gifted: You don’t actually know whether your relatives think you “owe” them, because they never communicate with you regarding gifts.

If these family members don’t ever give gifts to you (you don’t mention this), receiving gifts might actually make them feel uncomfortable. They might be passively trying to discourage you from continuing.

I’m with your husband about this. If it feels good, do it, not out of obligation, but for the pure joy of experiencing your own generosity.

Dear Amy: “Hate to

Ask” was perturbed that their mother had left more inheritance to a friend than to her.

Children often feel entitled to inheritance, while friends often earn it. Friends may help someone get through the everyday difficulties of life, including those brought on by children.

Therefore, a good friend may be more deserving of a larger inheritance.

— A Friend Indeed

Dear Friend: Great point!