Try practicing the life skill of ‘pretending not to notice’
Dear Miss Manners: My classical guitar society meets online now, which is nice because we now have people involved who live around the world.
It’s not so nice, however, when one of our participants performs from his bedroom, where we get to see his unmade bed, the dresser drawers partially open, and this week, a pair of used underwear.
I know I should only focus on his music, which is lovely, and that I should accept him as he is — but used underwear? Very difficult to ignore.
He’s not disheveled in person; he is always wellgroomed and wears clean clothes.
Should I just get over myself and try to ignore his background, or is there a delicate way I can tell him to straighten up his room?
Gentle reader: A lost art, which especially needs to be revived in just such situations, is Pretending Not to Notice.
It is true that one should try to be what is called “presentable,” whatever that means in a particular context. But a bit of leeway is necessary. If your house is on fire, it is all right for you to run out wearing your pajamas. If you are just going out to get your mail, perhaps you should add a bathrobe. However, it is incumbent on passersby to pretend not to notice.
If someone has a pimple on their nose, or any other physical irregularity, those who are not intimately involved must pretend not to notice.
And that also goes for physical regularities — such as being tall or short, fat or thin — which people can’t seem to stop commenting upon.
There are countless other situations in which everyone would be happier if the obvious is not mentioned. And now we have a new one: the background during video-visiting. It has become a sport to evaluate other people’s houses, as glimpsed when they are online for business as well as social reasons.
Please. Miss Manners begs you to stop. Listen to the music and pretend you do not notice the background.
The necessity of being at home during the pandemic has forced people to invite in those who might never otherwise see their homes, let along their bedrooms, kitchens or wherever they have had to improvise a home office. Yes, it would be nice if they presented an attractive stage set. Or if they knew about virtual backgrounds, where you can have any magnificent setting you want, if you don’t mind your head briefly disappearing when you move.
But the viewer also has a responsibility — not to notice.
Dear Miss Manners: Iam in an all-volunteer animal rescue group that re-homes abandoned or surrendered dogs. In advertising our animals for adoption through social media, we often indicate that an animal can be given “free rein” of the house — meaning they are housebroken and can be trusted not to chew or destroy things when left alone. (As an amateur horsewoman, I know that the term comes from giving a horse a loose rein to find its way in difficult footing, or to just go as it pleases.)
Unfortunately, whoever writes the descriptions of the animals invariably notes that the animal can be given “free reign” of the house, which is a very different use, or misuse, of the phrase. I don’t know who the grammatically challenged person is, though I suspect it is one of the top three members of our board, making it difficult to inquire without offending the writer.
This repetitive misuse of a term in virtually every post is an embarrassment to our organization. How would you suggest that I try to correct it, or is it best to let sleeping dogs “lye”?
Gentle reader: Good one. And you can make your point without embarrassing any individual.
Miss Manners suggests a memo to everyone concerned, somewhat along these lines: “We all know that our wonderful dogs will reign supreme in the households they grace, but let’s let our human clients discover that for themselves. Meanwhile, they do have to know that the dogs should be given free rein, as a horse is when you loosen the reins.”
No one will have been specifically targeted, and everyone can smile at the confusion of others.
I asked someone out to dinner and she responded, “I’m good, thank you.” Does that mean yes or no?
Dear Miss Manners:
Gentle reader: It means no. It also means Not
Good at Etiquette. To Miss Manners, it would mean not repeating such an invitation to someone who is obviously not flattered enough by it to be civil.