Husband’s creepy staring habit is unlikely to change
Dear Miss Manners: Whenever my husband and I go out to dinner, whether it’s just us or with friends, he will find a woman and stare. Literally every couple of minutes, he will look over and stare until he gets her attention, and then they both stare at each other.
I’m a pretty lady (so I’ve been told), and have a fun personality. When I ask him what he’s looking at, he turns to me and says, “What’s your problem? I’m not looking at anything.”
Our friends act like they don’t really care. This makes me feel like I’m nothing, and it’s just simply embarrassing.
If I bring up the subject later, like when we’re driving home, he thinks I’m being jealous and ridiculous. Then he’ll tell me we’ve been married for X number of years (it’s now going on 37) and I need to stop.
Years ago, a guy got in his face and told him to quit staring at his girlfriend. Secretly, I was hoping the guy would punch him.
But he still won’t stop staring. It drives me crazy. I try to ignore it, but it eats at me. Please, Miss Manners, am I wrong and should I let him stare?
Gentle reader: That would not be Miss Manners’ choice. Although she is not an opponent of restraint, registering your complaint later is not restraint. It is standing in the middle of the road, a place known to be frequented by oncoming traffic.
If, upon reflection, the behavior is not as aggressive as you describe it, you are free to overlook it. But as you object, then let us be decisive in describing the problem to him and to yourself:
It is not that you are afraid he is looking at someone prettier; it is that he is embarrassing himself by harassing some other woman. If it is not going to stop, then either he or you will not be in attendance at the next dinner.
To show that this is not about you, add that your concern is whether the next boyfriend may do more than just yell.
Dear Miss Manners: Iam the mother of the groom, and the mother of the bride had done business with some friends I had invited to the wedding. At the reception, she approached them to discuss a problem she’d had with their company, talking to them for 30 minutes until she was satisfied and got what she wanted.
They were so upset that they ended up leaving the wedding, which upset me. Can you help me see this through? I feel that a wedding reception is for fun, not for bringing out dirty laundry.
Gentle reader: As is any social event. It should not be used to discuss any kind of business, much less to use the occasion to complain. The unfortunate emphasis on networking — which ought to mean only ingratiating oneself with useful people, not trying to use them on the spot — has meant that no one has time off to have fun.
You should apologize to your friends. Yet Miss Manners cautions you to manage that without mentioning the culprit. If you can, just say that you were sorry they were driven away. It is more than that lady deserves, Miss Manners agrees, but you surely do not want your son to begin his marriage caught in a spat between his mother and his mother-in-law.
Dear Miss Manners: A neighbor, whom we speak with occasionally and who brings us baked goods, told me about a mother and child in the neighborhood. She said they were alone and struggling, and that the mother needed a gift for the little girl. I offered to buy a doll and have this neighbor bring it to them, since she said she knew them.
I never heard back, so I don’t know if the child received the doll. I confronted this neighbor about where the doll was. No further response.
I think this was a scam. She may have kept the doll, although she has no children, or given it to her church. It is all very disheartening.
Gentle reader: It is. It is also a reminder of the risks of letting others act as go-betweens for your own generous impulses, whether it is a neighbor, a co-worker or a friend. Even if your neighbor’s intentions were pure, the child’s parent might have wondered to whom gratitude was due.
If you are willing to empower someone in this way, Miss Manners advises thinking of it as a transaction between yourself and the go-between, not yourself and the intended recipient. The neighbor should have thanked you, as well as doing what she promised, and should not be receiving such commissions in the future.