Just eliminate the verb ‘read’ when mentioning audiobook

Dear Miss Manners: In the context of a world filled with major problems, this one is quite minor, but the question has galled me for many years, and I would love some professional feedback.

I am a voracious reader, but for a long time now, and for various reasons, almost all my book “reading” is done by listening to audiobooks. Those quotation marks introduce my quandary: Do I use the words “read” or “listened to” when discussing books?

I might be recommending a book to a fellow reader — “I just read the latest Nancy Drew mystery, and I think you’d love it” — or adding the contents of a book to a discussion — “According to a book I read, the aardvark prefers to consume daisies above all flowers.” Or I might introduce someone to a book series as part of a friendly conversation.

In all of these scenarios, I didn’t, in point of fact, “read” anything. The means of communication was auditory. But “I listened to a great book recently” or “I heard a new author I think you should check out” doesn’t fall trippingly off the tongue. Is it misleading to state that I read something when that’s not what actually happened?

Gentle reader: Why not eliminate the verb entirely? “Wittgenstein’s ‘Tractatus-logico Philosophicus’ is really quite a pleasure.” Or “The canon of Proust is brilliant. I think you would love it.”

Miss Manners assures you, however, that should there be further inquiry into the experience, there is no shame in admitting that it was auditory. Comparing and discussing audiobooks is no less interesting than doing so with bound editions.

Dear Miss Manners: I am a college professor and have been teaching online since the beginning of the pandemic. I was corresponding via email with my dean about an issue with a student I had never met in person. My dean had met the student in person in the past, but not recently.

In the course of managing the issue, I became aware that the student in question uses the gender-neutral pronouns “they/them.” When I learned this, I switched to using those pronouns. My dean continued using the masculine pronouns “he/ him.”

I was a bit flummoxed. I didn’t want to correct my dean, because that seemed rude to her. On the other hand, switching to “they/ them” without explanation seemed awkward (both socially and grammatically). On the third hand, I felt like I was letting down the student by failing to stand up for their gender identity to my professional superior.

I should note two things: First, the student’s issue was not related to their gender identity. Two, my dean is the kind of person who would want to use a person’s pronouns out of consideration. What should I have done?

Gentle reader: It seems clear to Miss Manners that your well-meaning dean simply wasn’t paying attention, or mistook your attempts for the plural. A simple, “I believe that Taden uses the pronouns ‘they/them’ ” should be all that is needed to correct the mistake.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a friend who endeavors to commemorate my birthday each year, but who generally forgets it. This year, when she realized that it had passed, she harshly scolded me, saying that I should have reminded her — thus putting the blame squarely on me for her forgetfulness.

I feel as though alerting someone to one’s birthday is self-serving and undignified, making it seem as if attention and presents are being sought. I have no such desires. Nonetheless, I risk the ire of my friend if I do not warn her that it is coming. What should I do?

Gentle reader: Give her a calendar for her birthday.

Dear Miss Manners: If a casual acquaintance has obviously lost weight, is it ever appropriate to say something? How about a friend you haven’t seen in a while? I’m comfortable saying, “I love your new haircut!” But I’m always worried about commenting on weight loss.

Gentle reader: As well you should be. At worst, the reduction may be the result of illness. But at best, it reveals that you considered the person overweight before.

Miss Manners is generally against commenting on acquaintances’ appearance, favorably or unfavorably. For friends, she suggests you learn the phrase, “You’re looking wonderful.”