What to do when someone talks over you
Whether you’re speaking in a meeting at work or having a conversation with a friend, having someone talk over you is frustrating and sometimes it can feel just plain rude. It can happen to some people more than others, says Beth Haiken, executive vice president of the tech PR firm Method Communications.
“This is a particular problem for anyone perceived to not rank or not belong at the table,” she says. “My own experience is being female.”
Jill Bausch, leadership coach and author of “Why Brave Women Win: Creating
Your Path to Confidence and Power in the Workplace,” says the problem happens more often to women than men.
“It’s something about our society and our upbringing,” she says. “Different societies bring women up to not be as assertive as they might be for fear that they’ll be called aggressive or — the word I can’t stand — feisty. A man can do the same thing and be called assertive and strong. Women perhaps are a little bit less reluctant to stand up for themselves and therefore [get] talked over.”
If you want the behavior to stop, you’ll need to address it. When you tolerate interruptions, you teach others how you’re willing to be treated. If someone talks over you, here are some things you can do.
1. Prepare a specific phrase
Having a prepared response when you’re interrupted can make it easier to acknowledge that it’s happening and get the other person to confirm that it’s now your turn to speak. Bausch recommends finding a phrase that works for you.
For example, you could say, “Would you mind if I finish?” “Then be quiet,” she says. “That’ll often stop someone talking over you.”
What doesn’t work is to say, “Hey, stop talking over me” or “Hey, you didn’t listen to what I have to say,” Bausch says. “I think that brings aggression into it. That’s really what you don’t want if you want to have a healthy conversation.”
2. Wait for a break
Another option is to let the person finish their thought. Then ask, “Are you finished? Because I would like to finish what I was saying.” “Get them to engage in that,” Bausch says. “When they say ‘Yes, I am finished,’ then they will hopefully be willing to listen to what you have to say.”
Matt Eventoff, founder of Princeton Public Speaking, an executive communication coaching firm, agrees. “I believe the best practice is to stop talking, even smile, and wait for the next break or pause in conversation, even if it is a few minutes later,” he says. “At that point, insert yourself back into the conversation by stating, in a kind voice, ‘As we were discussing earlier,’ or ‘Continuing my thought from earlier.’ ”
3. Raise your hand
If no break comes within a few minutes of the interruption, raise your hand, suggests Eventoff, especially if you’re in a large meeting.
“It is amazing how executives, and just about everybody, response to a raised hand,” he says. “It works as effectively as it works in school. The overall point is to show professionalism and patience, which further illustrates why the interruption or
talking over wasn’t right.”
4. Watch your body language
Position yourself in a more assertive way nonverbally, says Suzanne E. Boys, Ph.D., professor educator and interim head of the University of Cincinnati’s School of Communication, Film and Media Studies. For example, lean forward, make strong eye contact, raise a finger or hand, or touch the other speaker’s arm, if appropriate. “This cues the speaker you are ready to speak,” she says.
Also, stop offering nonverbal and paralinguistic cues that position you as a listener. “These cues are helpful while you are listening, but if you want to shift out of that role into the speaker role, indicate that,” Boys says. For example, stop nodding, “mmm-hmmm-ing” or looking away.
5. Take back the room
After the incident, Haiken recommends taking the person aside. “Assume positive intent,” she says. For example, you could say, “I’m sure you didn’t do this intentionally, but you interrupted me in the meeting. I know you have great ideas, but could you try to be a bit more aware?”
While it can feel like your thoughts are being dismissed, Boys says don’t take it personally. “Check your assumptions about interrupting,” she says. “Often lower power individuals have been socialized that interrupting is impolite. However, in certain contexts, with certain types of communicators, interrupting is the only way to get the floor.”
Be prepared with some ways to take back the room. “Simply tell the person you are going to interrupt them,” Boys says. “For example, in a conversation with a dominant talker, you might simply say, ‘I’m going to interrupt you here.’ Then, go for it.”