Reveal man’s presence in porn video?
Dear Amy: I was close friends with a woman, “B,” for 10 years. Around six months ago, our friendship began to unravel because of her sudden racism, spreading rumors about me, her husband being incredibly grossly sexual toward me, her narcotic addictions, and the amount of time I spent watching her children while she and her husband were in the next room, fighting.
Leaving that friendship was the best thing I could have ever done. The minute I began to focus on bettering my own life, everything fell into place. A few weeks ago, a mutual friend sent me a link to a pornographic video that involved her husband and a different woman.
I was stunned, grossed out, and my first thought was, “OMG, we have to tell her.” Since I don’t have a relationship with her, I asked our friend to deliver the bad news — but she does not want to.
I emailed the website hosting the video and asked them to take it down. It seemed wrong for this to be put online. Regardless of how awful he is, he doesn’t deserve that, nor does his wife — or the woman in the video. The website responded that unless I was a participant, they couldn’t take it down.
This could ruin a lot of lives. His wife works in marketing, where image is everything.
I just feel like it would be weird to email her out of the blue with this really bad news. I would want someone to tell me, but I also don’t talk to her. I just don’t want to see this ruin her life.
— Upset and Worried
Dear Upset: The person to contact is the person who is actually in the video, not his wife. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to you to do that. Why should his behavior harm her reputation, and how can she alter or fix what he has done?
So far, this video has been shared through a mutual friend; don’t attempt to solve this problem by spreading it further and don’t involve more people. Put this information into the hands of the person who has the greatest incentive (and the responsibility) to deal with it.
If this was uploaded without his (and the other person’s), knowledge and permission, then — yes — he should contact the site’s administrator and insist that it be removed.
Dear Amy: I am irritated with both my husband and 22-year-old daughter.
Our daughter’s girlfriend recently moved in with us for a trial run. She has a pet rabbit that she brought with her. I shared my concerns about a rabbit living in the house with everyone, but my husband and daughter assured me it would be fine. The rabbit had already chewed some baseboards in the house, but I went along with their wishes.
A few weeks later, my husband called to let me know that the girlfriend had bought another rabbit to keep the first rabbit company. She had spoken with my husband, and he approved the second rabbit without asking me. I texted the girlfriend and told her that the second rabbit was not OK with me. My husband says that the conversation should be between the two of us and not involve the girlfriend.
Neither my husband, daughter nor her girlfriend contribute anything to the house expenses. If I’m the one paying for everything, shouldn’t I be the one to decide such things?
I am so angry that I have started to look for another place to live.
— Irritated
Dear Irritated: The level of disrespect demonstrated by members of your household toward you is extreme. Even if you weren’t the sole support of the entire household, any living thing brought into the home should be approved by every human living there.
I’m not sure why you are looking for another place to live, however. In my opinion, the household leave-taking should commence in this order: Rabbits + Girlfriend, Daughter, Husband.
Dear Amy: I don’t always agree with you, but I thought your response to “Not From Wales” — whose husband spoke Welsh on the phone with family members — was truly inspired. Your defense of keeping heritage languages alive made me want to learn more.
— Sometime Fan
Dear Sometime: I was so intrigued by this question, I started learning Welsh online. So Diolch yn fawr (thank you very much).
Copyright 2020 by Amy Dickinson