Family grapples with man with repulsive past

Dear Amy: I have been invited to a family event. One of the other guests, a relative, was recently arrested for possessing child pornography.

I want to make it very clear that, as far as I know, he has not physically abused any children. My wife refuses to attend.

I’ve known this man my entire life. I have always liked him. Naturally, I was shocked, confused and disgusted when I found out the circumstances surrounding his failed suicide attempt.

I am trying to wrap my head around how I can separate my love for a family member when they carry such a horrific history/situation/illness.

How can I hug him and have a conversation when I am repulsed by what he has done?

And if I can, is that the “right” thing to do?

— Conflicted

An embrace is not an endorsement. What I mean is that ideally, you would be able to show compassion and concern toward a fellow human being without affirming his reprehensible actions. This is a heavy lift, because others in your circle are not only judging him, but — depending on your behavior — will also judge you. (Your wife, for instance, might judge you harshly for even being in this man’s presence.)

I think it’s important to remember that even people who have committed horrific acts have innocent family members who are heartbroken.

Your family member might have a mother, siblings, cousins, and

Dear Conflicted:

others who love him but are now pulled into a dark space because of what he has done.

You being kind toward him might comfort them.

I suggest that you greet him and tell him, “I’ve heard that you are going through a very tough time, and I’m sorry.”

Your further response will depend on how he reacts to you.

Dear Amy: I live in a northern state in the Midwest and my sibling lives in the South (where my parents live, as well).

For years I have flown to visit them for almost every other holiday so we can be together. My sibling has never, in 20 years, flown here for Thanksgiving.

And she has only flown here for Christmas twice.

She was planning on coming here last Christmas, but we had to cancel because of the pandemic. She promised she would come this year.

Their niece, who lives here in the North, is getting married a week before Christmas.

My sister told me that she would come up for the wedding or Christmas but not both because she didn’t want to stay a full eight days with us.

Am I being too sensitive and demanding in wanting them to stay for both?

My other children really want to spend Christmas with their aunt and uncle and have been looking forward to having them here for Christmas for more than a year.

Should I just lower my expectations and assume that I will never see them here for any holidays?

— Sad and Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: Yes, you should lower your expectations. Your sister is giving you the benefit of total honesty regarding her capabilities.

Some people don’t like to fly and doing so causes them weeks of anxiety.

Others don’t like to be away from their home during big holidays.

Your sister might be facing pressure from your parents to be nearby.

People who have lived in Florida for many years sometimes develop outsized concerns about traveling north during the winter months because of worries about the weather.

You sound extremely generous and fortunate. You are lucky to feel close enough to your sister to actually long for her company. I hope you will accept her limitations.

Dear Amy: “Distraught in KS” was being denied access to her grandchild.

In Kansas, the law permits a grandparent to petition for visitation with grandchildren.

This grandmother can consult with a family lawyer to discuss how she can get to see all her grandchildren. Children need all the support they can get.

— Hopeful

Dear Hopeful: This young child seemed at risk. I suggested that this concerned grandmother contact a social worker at CPS, who could help to guide her through the legal process.