Keep camera on — but only if you can look interested
During “normal times,” we refrained from turning our backs on people speaking to us, or from looking elsewhere the entire time. Now, online, I attend speaker events in which the audience is primarily comprised of black boxes with or without their names listed. For the speaker, the lack of facial responses must be difficult, as there are only a few “live” faces to speak to.
Should one always be “present” (with video turned on) when attending a talk by a live, online speaker? Is it a courtesy to the speaker to show one’s face in the audience, as if one were there in person, or is it considered good manners either way?
This is new territory, but I feel I should be fully present if I sign on to the link.
Gentle reader: Fully present also means not walking in and out, falling asleep or multitasking, all of which behaviors Miss Manners often sees from audience members who have activated their cameras during a live video talk. Those who cannot manage to seem interested and alert are better not seen.
That the format presents problems for speakers accustomed to lecture halls, Miss Manners acknowledges, although it is not easy to see facial expressions in a darkened auditorium from a lighted stage. For anyone accustomed to getting laughs, silence from a muted audience is disconcerting, and it might help to see smiles.
But it definitely does not help to be able to see closeups of people who are not paying attention.
My daughter is getting married. Her biological dad and I divorced when she was about 2, and I’ve been with her stepfather since she was 4. Her biological father was in her life very (VERY) sporadically the first few years, and then he wasn’t at all.
He tried to reconnect when she was in her early 20s, but it was awkward for both of them, and it never really developed. When he remarried and moved out of state, there was some contact from the new wife — trying to get to know my daughter and bring her and her dad closer, I’m presuming.
All this being said, my daughter wants to invite them to the wedding, which I thought was nice and the right thing to do. My concern is that there won’t be any acknowledgment of him as her “father” — no walking down the aisle, no father-daughter dance, no boutonniere.
This is totally my daughter’s decision, and I understand completely where she is coming from. But I am worried about inviting him and then making him feel bad, awkward or whatever the case may be.
Gentle reader: It is likely no surprise to her father that they are not close.
But if it is your daughter’s intention to have her stepfather perform those duties, there may indeed be awkwardness and hurt feelings.
A gracious way around it — and one that Miss Manners recommends in your case — is to have you, her mother, walk her down the aisle. You could dance with her, too — or forgo that particular tradition, at least as a viewer spectacle
— and she might find time to dance with all of the parents and stepparents later in the reception.
As Miss Manners has repeatedly emphasized, it is the actual people involved and not the casting of roles that is important. Whatever traditions the bride thinks she is upholding should be adapted as much as possible in order to avoid hurt feelings.
Dear Miss Manners: There seems to be a new habit, among ladies with long hair, to groom it excessively with their hands while in close quarters.
I’ve been the recipient of hair from a young woman at a wine bar, young women at two different theaters, and an older woman while awaiting jury selection. They run their hands through their long hair several times and fling it on me in the process. What are my polite options? In two of the situations, I asked them to stop, but both of their reactions were haughty and dismissive. Must I put up with escaping hairs and scalp particles on my clothes and in my snacks and beverages?
Gentle reader: The most polite way that Miss Manners can think of would be to pick the strand of hair from your clothes and say, “Excuse me, but I believe you lost some of your hair. Would you like it back?” Few people, however oblivious to the comfort of others, would care to have that said to them in public.