Living apart — together
About three years after she was widowed in 2016, Chicago psychotherapist Linda Randall, then 78, felt her friendship with a widowed man turning romantic. She’d dated him in her 20s, after taking her mother’s advice to volunteer as a candy-striper so she could meet a doctor. In 2015, she’d reconnected with him as a friend. But now, considering romance with this man six years older gave her pause.
“He was not in great shape,” she said. “He’d had two heart attacks and two stents. I thought a lot about what to do.” Coincidentally, he lived across the alley from her, and they spent most nights at her apartment. After dating for more than a year, they expressed mutual love. However, when he asked to move in with her, she said no.
“He was hurt at first,” she recalled, “but I said, ‘I like my space, and we’re different in how we live.’ ”
About six months ago when he underwent surgery and needed recuperative care, Randall, heeding his wishes and using his funds, hired a live-in caregiver for him. Until he was well enough, several months of at-home convalescent care; he moved into her apartment for those months. Spoon said she coordinated care with his two “amazing daughters,” backed up by a visiting nurse and friends, while she continued working. This teamwork is now their model for any future caregiving needs. Neither wants the other to become their primary caregiver.
“I’d want John to retain as vital a lifestyle as possible,” she said, and he said he wants the same for her. She has no children but would rely on her long-term care insurance to hire help. For her partner’s care, she said, “I’d want to be involved enough because I care and love him, but not 24/7. I don’t have the energy for that,” and it would mean “I couldn’t do anything else.”
Randall, now 81, credits herself for creating a relationship that fulfills her needs without overwhelming her with her partner’s. “I have friends who say they never want to meet anybody unless they’re 10 or 15 years younger, because they see it as having to move in and be the sole caretaker,” she said. “I wasn’t about to do that. I think I have the best of two worlds. He’s a sweet loving man, and he brings a lot to my table.”