New book uses scripture to make case that there’s no shame in premarital sex
What you thought was naughty may actually be holy.
That’s the message of “Good Christian Sex: Why Chastity Isn’t the Only Option — And Other Things the Bible Says about Sex,” a new book by Bromleigh McCleneghan, an associate pastor at Union Church outside of Chicago.
The book is McCleneghan’s attempt to free Christians from shame about having premarital or extramarital sex.
At a time when many conservative Christians already are frustrated by shifting social mores when it comes to sex, McCleneghan’s book may feel antagonistic. Her way of interpreting the Bible is not systematic, for example, and she tends to feel her way through the text. She also admits that her sexual ethics might not rule out polyamory. McCleneghan’s book could be persuasive to many believers who feel some cognitive dissonance when it comes to sex. (While Christians are likely to say that avoiding sex outside of marriage is a good thing, most engage in it anyway.)
For this reason, we decided to chat with her about her views on sex and why she believes the church needs to change its thinking.
Q: Many Christians believe it’s best to remain a virgin until marriage. You say this issue is complicated because people have varying definitions of “virignity.” What are some of the most common?
A: Part of what I want to point out is that what counts as “sex,” or what activities count “against virginity,” varies in both Christian and public health circles. We tend to think of a virgin as someone who hasn’t had heterosexual intercourse.
“Virginity” is such a fraught and gendered term, involved through the centuries in policing the ownership of women’s bodies, or some harmful forms of purity culture, that it’s not really useful. And for some queer folks, the emphasis on heterosexual acts means that it’s not a good line, or norm, for ethics.
Q: You root some of your thinking in Genesis 2:25 where Adam and Eve are naked but unashamed. Many would agree that sex and bodies aren’t things to be ashamed of, but some would also say that the principle here is specifically about the way a “husband” and “wife” are relating to each other. Your response?
A: The thing that changes, that causes Adam and Eve to feel ashamed and sends them off to the sewing table, isn’t a change in their marital status. It’s that they’ve been caught in their disobedience.
Ideally, in marriages, partners won’t feel shame. But the question of feeling at home in our bodies, at coming to terms with our vulnerability, is a lot more complicated than that. Marriage is no guarantee. And, indeed, our vulnerability, our embodied nature, our relationships and our institutions are affected by sin. Sometimes we feel shame because of our own sin; sometimes those feelings are undeserved. I am trying to explore the difference.
Q: You argue that early Christian fathers negatively shaped our perception of sex due to their “body/soul dualism.” What were the positive and enduring elements in early Christian thought on sex?
A: When talking about lust and fidelity in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus counters that mind/ body duality, suggesting that you don’t actually have to commit adultery to sin against your partner. In an age witnessing the rise of emotional affairs that discussion seems particularly prescient.
Also powerful is the way the church offered alternatives to the dominant culture, a culture that was often oppressive or dangerous. Living into vows of chastity could offer freedom from the potential of disease or death. Chastity in that case was not about limitation for many — especially early Christian women in religious orders — but about new freedoms to live fully into grace.
Q: You cite Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 6 and ask whether it is good to “deny our bodies … the things they need for health and joy.” What do you say to the many Christians who are not currently sexually active and claim to be joyful and healthy? Are they lying? Do they still “need” to find a way to experience sexual pleasure despite their claims of contentment?
A: We all need to experience pleasure, relaxation, calm. We’re learning how stress and trauma have physiological effects that are passed on through generations. Does that mean we all need the exact same type of pleasure? To experience the rush of endorphins in response to the same stimuli? No.
Q: You talk about the “inner conflict” Paul experienced and mentioned in Romans 7. How do you interpret this and why is it relevant?
A: One thing I’ve encountered with this book, mostly from folks who haven’t read it, is the assumption that because I argue that marriage is an insufficient norm for healthy and holy sexuality, I am also arguing that “anything goes.” I totally believe that there are such things as sexual sins: lust, infidelity, participation in rape culture, treating your partner poorly.
I love Paul’s articulation of the knowledge that something is wrong, is sinful or harmful, and yet the feeling of temptation to do it anyway. That feeling of standing outside yourself, almost watching yourself choose poorly. It’s vulnerable and wise, and deeply instructive for us, I think, as we try to identify what sin feels like.