Modern bride’s guide to showers and registries
In “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” the rules maven says not all wedding events require presents and registries have gotten out of hand. I tend to agree.
This isn’t to suggest that registries are not a time-honored tradition or celebratory gesture marking the union of two people in love; just that the meaning behind them is lost.
Most evidence traces the practice to 16th- and 17thcentury Holland, sociologist Beth Montemurro says. In her book “Something Old, Something Bold,” she discusses the bridal shower’s origin. As the story goes, a young Dutchwoman once hoped to wed a poor boy with a large heart, but her father disapproved unless his daughter was “properly set up.” So, neighbors and friends showered the girl with enough household goods and furnishings to make a home so she could marry her beloved.
Necessity initially drove the bridal shower, Montemurro concludes. From Colonial America through the Victorian era, a bride’s hope chest or wedding trousseau was part of her dowry.
In 2014, the U.S. Census Bureau reported that the median age of first-time Texas brides was 26.6; for grooms 28.2. By their mid- to late 20s, many young adults are living on their own and already possess everyday essentials.
My own bridal shower broke nearly every wedding etiquette rule in Miss Manners’ book. In the chapter titled “Marriage for beginners,” author Judith Martin dictates that there is no tasteful way of directing present-giving, and guests should not be asked to “memorialize” the bride with charitable donations in her name.
Since I’m more of a “rules are made to be broken” kind of girl, Bulgari’s offer to host my shower was readily accepted, on one condition. The Italian jewelry house and I agreed that, in lieu of gifts, donations to DiscoverU’s luggage drive would be encouraged. The generosity of two dozen luncheongoers helped purchase 20 suitcases for first-generation college- bound students.
Not following the rules is becoming a trend with brides.
“A lot of our older brides are deciding to go the charitable route,” says Jo Ann Woodward of the event-planning duo Schwartz & Woodward. “They have established households and don’t need another pot or pan.”
The Knot’s Stephanie Cain sees a lot of same-sex couples setting up charity registries, too. Millennials, however, have made the best of both worlds.
“They will have multiple registries at the same time, so in addition to traditional stores, they’ll select a charity, and guests can decide what they want to get,” she said. The “Real Weddings” editor also advises brides not to go overboard with various showers. “Make sure that you’re not asking guests to buy multiple gifts. How many gifts does one person need?”
Additionally, she has noticed that couples are opting for off-the-beaten-path registries at Anthropologie, zola.com and myregistry.com for items that are original and less traditional.
Woodward’s clients Cheryl and Scott Looper went with conventional registries but chose philanthropic favors.
“We did the traditional wedding and shower gifts and all that,” Cheryl Looper said. “But instead of giving favors to our guests, we made a contribution in their names to the Jewish Federation of Greater Houston’s flood-relief fund.”
The Loopers married last year at the Petroleum Club two months after the devastating Memorial Day floods.
“We thought it would be a nicer, more meaningful and more productive thing to do,” she said.
Esperson Gallery at GreenStreet owner Tammy Greene Dowe offers art registries to the betrothed. She believes art should be accessible to all and that there’s a distinct pleasure in giving, especially if it’s something the couple loves.
“It may be a couple on their second marriage, marrying later in life or a young couple who’s just starting their collection,” she says. “Let’s say that you already have your grandmother’s china and an $1,800 Vitamix,” she says. “Art is a really cool gift.”