Which burger will wrangle Texans title?

Like most Americans, I am consumed by the big election — with emphasis on “consumed.”

Will Texans fans vote for Fuddruckers’ new Wrangler Burger as the team’s new “Official Hamburger,” or re-elect the 2015 winner, the Texans Burger? Here’s my election analysis:

The Wrangler Burger has a BBQ-seasoned half-pound beef patty topped with cheddar cheese, chopped brisket, fried jalapeños and drizzled with BBQ sauce.

The defending champ Texans Burger has a half-pound beef patty daintily accentuated with pepper jack cheese, smokehouse bacon, grilled jalapeños, onion rings and smokehouse sauce.

Both burgers are priced at $9.99. These burgers are available only in half-poundpatty format. No skinny minnie quarter-pounders.

Fans can vote at 36 Texas Fuddruckers locations in Houston, Austin and San Antonio and other civilized parts of Texas — but not Dallas (for obvious reasons — and good, Cowboys fans don’t deserve either of these burgers).

If the Wrangler Burger wins the election, it will be renamed the Texans Burger. Confusing? Just wait for the Clinton-Trump debates.

Fuddruckers is looking to sign a new “brand ambassador” (translation: spokesman) on the Texans roster. Center Ben Jones, last year’s paid eater, bolted the team for the Tennessee Titans.

That’s the problem with signing pro athletes. They leave. In the dating world, it’s called “better dealing” you. It hurts.

I remember when the Houston Convention and Visitors Bureau created splashy ads featuring prominent Houstonians, including Texans lineman Connor Barwin, who promptly blew off the Texans for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Two more bits of big news from the world of rapid cuisine:

Holmes Smokehouse has a new line of premium hot dogs set to hit supermarkets in time for the Houston Texans season opener, Sept. 11, against Da Bears.

It’s OK for me to say “Houston Texans,” Holmes Smokehouse is a sponsor. Isn’t it silly the way nonsponsors have to say “the local football team” instead of “Texans” or “the big game” instead of “Super Bowl” unless they pay the poor, poor pitiful NFL?

Holmes’ rollout of dogs has the usual varieties: Original, All Beef, Beef with Cheddar, Beef with Jalapeños … .

Haven’t seen one like this before: Beef Blended with Texas-smoked Brisket.

“They are made with lean cuts of beef mixed with chunks of our slow-smoked seasoned brisket inside. The hot dogs are then blended with the perfect amount of seasoning. We slow-smoke them with real hardwood. No liquid smoke allowed. They’re definitely not a typical hot dog you find in the supermarket. They’re our own Texas version,” said Rodney Roth, president of Holmes Smokehouse.

The production plant is in Lufkin, a two-hour straight shot northeast of Houston on U.S. 59.

I tried ’em. They’re definitely different, a little chunkier than regular dogs with a mild smoky note.

Roth recommends you grill these hot dogs, which gives them a little snappier texture, but boiling or nuking them in the microwave is OK.

“We wanted a unique signature dog that fits our true Texas roots. We tested them in-house and loved them. So has everyone else that has graced their lips on these puppies. Now we are sharing them with all of our friends in Texas.”

Holmes’ brisket-spiked hot dogs, like the other varieties, will come six to a 12-ounce pack and sell for $3.99.

Maybe we wouldn’t have to call them “puppies” if you made quarter-pound versions — just a suggestion. Not a fan of skinny hot dogs. Too much bun in each mouthful, the downfall of most contestants in hot-dog-eating contests. That’s why I usually double up on the dogs-to-bun paradigm. It’s more like a meal that way.

Here’s the best deal of all in the world of quick eats:

Wendy’s burger chain has teamed up with Uber. If you register with Uber and use the code “4Adoption,” your first ride will be free (up to $15). Even better, Wendy’s will kick in $5 to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

A free ride and you help a child find a loving home. You can’t beat that. As they say, “near and dear.”