Blame Queen Victoria for modern brides wearing white
Dear Miss Manners:
It has been a long tradition that women with children should/could not wear a white wedding dress because they are not virgins.
Is this still the case? My niece is getting married in a beautiful white dress and just wondering if that is OK to do in 2016.
I am not opposed; I think that one should do what they want. Just thought I would go to you, Miss Manners.
Gentle Reader:
And do you expect Miss Manners to uphold the vulgar notion that a wedding dress must trumpet the state of the body it contains?
It is true that etiquette, like law, respects tradition. But that involves exercising judgment about which traditions are worth preserving. Miss Manners can think of a great many patterns of behavior that have existed forever, and yet the world would be better off jettisoning.
The white wedding dress is not even a long tradition by her standards. It dates from 1840, when Queen Victoria defied the usual practice by wearing a white dress. Considering how that lady was watched by her mother and the court, we can assume that she was a virgin bride.
Until then, brides had worn whatever dresses they wished, in whatever colors. So that is a longer custom, and, incidentally, in keeping with your own current thinking of what is proper.
But fashion is fashion, and so many white-clad brides followed that the dress became a specific, and all-but-obligatory, costume for first-time brides. Widows and divorcees who remarried did not immediately adopt this custom because at that time, their weddings did not re-create the splashy pageantry that was beginning to develop and is now in full practice.
It took mean-spirited wedding guests to conclude that brides should be color-coded. It became a sport for them to speculate whether a particular bride was “entitled” to wear a white dress.
Surely you do not expect Miss Manners to defend such people, much less join them. Rather, she upholds the older tradition of brides wearing whatever color they choose, white included. (But lest you think she has gone wildly permissive, she warns them black is the traditional color of mourning, and many people will assume that a bride in black is sad.)
Dear Miss Manners:
I have been friends for some years with a woman who is a college graduate and considers herself to be a cultured woman.
However, she has a habit that I find impolite: During a meal, she will lick her knife after using it for her food, whether at home or in a restaurant. This is done very matterof-factly, probably a habit she isn’t aware of. I’ve never said anything, but what would you advise, if anything?
Gentle Reader:
Not saying anything. Not even “Ewww,” however tempting that might be. Miss Manners considers this especially necessary should your friend inadvertently slice off part of her tongue, and your attention will be needed to summon help.
Dear Miss Manners:
While my boyfriend of 3½ years and I were out celebrating my birthday with our combined family, he ran into some old friends who were dining out at the same place.
My boyfriend does not introduce me to people when he stops to talk with them. He tells me he cannot remember their names and does not want to offend them. However, I feel offended that he does not care to include me in.
Later, while we were all eating, a woman came over and said she wanted a picture with my boyfriend. I felt like an outsider since I had no idea who this was. My daughters and I had to stand up in order to let him out of the booth. I then helped take the picture.
I then asked my boyfriend who she was. He said she was family to his ex-girlfriend but could not remember her name. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings by not remembering her name, so he left me out.
What about my feelings?
Gentle Reader:
What about having feelings for someone who has trouble remembering names? Miss Manners does, and can rescue the gentleman.
Presumably he remembers your name. If not, you have a worse problem than the one you reported.
Teach him the trick of saying the name he does know with “May I introduce … ?” as if the other person is in the needs-no-introduction category (which doesn’t exist, but never mind that for now).
But wait — you need only stand up and introduce yourself instead of hanging back, feeling insulted.