The art of declining an invitation graciously
Dear Miss Manners:
Is there a polite way to turn down what I call a “trap” invitation like this?
“We would love for you to come for lunch (dinner, etc.) with us. Let us know which of the following dates you are free: (e.g.) the 12th, 13th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 24th, 25th.”
To decline, the recipient is forced to lie or sound rude.
Gentle Reader:
To lie or to be rude — you are not alone in believing that such is the only choice when you are asked to do something you do not want to do.
Sadly, people who reject both of these responses are left believing that the only alternative is to cave to others’ wishes.
The problem is with the rigid definition of lying. Outside of courtrooms, the standard of “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth” is not necessary. It is possible to decline an invitation graciously without giving any excuse (“Oh, I would have loved to, but I’m afraid I can’t”) or one that is so vague as to be meaningless (“You are so kind to ask, but unfortunately we are busy then”).
Pedants may argue that these are lies: You would not really have loved to comply, and you are not actually all that busy. They fail to understand that these are conventional phrases, not meant to be taken literally.
Usually, repeating these statements at each offer eventually makes the asker give up. But as you have noted, some people persist. In that case, you must expand the reply into a blanket excuse: “I’m so sorry, but this is a rather busy time for me. Thank you for thinking of me, though.”