The four secrets of Jewish parenting
Religion that stresses learning and debate fosters overachievers
Through all the hoopla about the parenting secrets of Asian Tiger Moms whose children practice piano for hours and French moms whose children happily tuck into four-course meals, I kept wondering: When are we going to start talking about Jewish moms?
As Marjorie Ingall points out in her insightful new book, “Mamaleh Knows Best: What Jewish Mothers Do to Raise Successful, Creative, Empathetic, Independent Children,” Jewish kids do tend to do pretty well for themselves.
Although Jews make up less than 1 percent of the world’s population, we constitute 170 of 850 Nobel Prize winners, 21 percent of Ivy League students, 37 percent of Academy Award-winning directors and 51 percent of Pulitzer Prize winners for nonfiction, Ingall writes.
So what are Jewish parents doing to foster that outsized achievement?
“Unlike the Tiger Mother, we encourage kids to figure out what they really enjoy,” Ingall writes. “We welcome play dates rather than viewing them as distractions from school; we believe that kids learn from peers and need chill-out time. We don’t fetishize the teacher as the ruler of the classroom; we encourage kids to be polite in class but never to stop asking questions and never to sit with answers that don’t feel right.”
Among the Jewish parenting secrets that Ingall, a mother of two, believes will work for all families: Distrust authority
Jews come by this one honestly. So often in our history, we’d get settled in a place only to be driven out — or worse — by hateful or self-serving authorities. Distrusting those in power was a good survival strategy, and Judaism, a decentralized religion friendly to debate and dissent, offered plenty of opportunity to hone one’s critical-thinking skills.
“The Talmud, the compendium of Jewish law, is pretty much a bunch of dudes contradicting one another,” Ingall notes. “Each page consists of a big box of text in the middle and wrapped around it like a frame is lots of “Wait, you think what? and “No, Rabbi Akiva, you shut up!”
Non-Jewish parents can get in on the action by questioning assumptions, engaging in debate and encouraging the kids to do the same. Encourage geekiness
Joining the math team is a lot more acceptable than it used to be, but when it comes to geek acceptance, Jews have historically been — and remain — way ahead of the curve.
Throughout much of our history, we’ve been cool with being uncool, and our dorkiness has served us well, Ingall writes: “Jewish mothers throughout time have encouraged their kids’ interests and not cared who knew it. Popularity and conformity have not been our bag. Intellectual inspiration? That’s where it’s at.”
Not Jewish? Share your own passionate interests, Ingall writes, and pay attention to what really fascinates your kid — even if it’s not what you might expect. Read and laugh
Research suggests that both humor and storytelling can contribute to a child’s success, Ingall writes, and both are central to Jewish culture. Historically, literacy was a good, portable skill for people who were periodically deprived of their homes and property, as was humor.
Today, many comedians are Jewish, and parents push books: reading to themselves and their kids, telling stories and helping children find books they love. Heal the world
I know, I know. That’s a tough one. And certainly no religion has a monopoly on it. Still, the Jewish approach has its own nuances.
“That essential sense of connection to other people is part of why so many Jews have become doctors, scientists and social justice activists,” Ingall writes. “Virtue is not in our DNA. It’s the values we’ve transmitted that have made us do so well collectively.”
Ingall recommends starting early with your kids; even a preschooler can help donate old toys to a homeless shelter.
“You and your kid don’t have to do astonishing, creative things,” she writes. “Small acts can be powerful.”