Engagement expectations are misguided
Dear Miss Manners:
One of my girlfriends recently got engaged. I was very happy and excited for her, as she had waited for this proposal for what seemed a long time. When she texted me with a photo of the proposal taking place, I quickly texted back my congratulations. The next day, I then followed up with a phone call to again congratulate the happy couple and find out the details of the proposal.
Imagine my dismay when, a few days later, my friend discussed with me how disappointed she was in her friends’ response to her engagement! She proceeded to tell me that it really bothered her that none of her good friends took her out for champagne to celebrate or for a manicure.
I sat there in silence as she talked about what she has done for her friends who have gotten engaged, but no one did it for her.
Am I a bad friend for not doing these things? I assumed there would be engagement parties, bridal showers and everything else that comes along with this engagement, so I never thought of doing something extra so quickly for her.
Is this something I should bring up with her as to why it bothered me that she came off as so selfcentered? Gentle Reader: First, a warning: Do not agree to be a bridesmaid to this lady. If in the first flush of this happy time, her thoughts are not focused on her new life with her fiance but on how others should pay her obeisance, it is only going to get worse.
Miss Manners’ next cautionary advice is not to get into a discussion of your friend’s fault or your own grievance. Rather, you should be leading her into talk about the virtues of the bridegroom and listening to tedious wedding details. That is the duty of a good friend under such circumstances. Dear Miss Manners: My friend of many years has become predictably rude, demanding and demeaning to waitstaff when we lunch together, a ritual of many years. I find that I cannot abide her ill-mannered treatment of these people; plus, it ruins my meal.
Recently, while in a restaurant together, I gently asked her to treat the waitstaff nicely. She exploded in anger against me and walked out. Can this friendship be saved? Gentle Reader:
No. Not at lunchtime, at any rate.
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