Alittle mystery goes a long way when declining dinner invitations
Dear Miss Manners:
Granted, I have a large collection of friends, acquaintances and admirers. Therefore, I am often invited to dinner parties, gallery openings, etc.
I enjoy being social. And I really enjoy being alone and reading — my favorite pastime.
Often, when I refuse an invitation, the inviter will ask what I will be doing instead. Well, this Thanksgiving I have been invited to three homes, but I am interested in staying home and making a meal for myself. As a single person, I have been going to people’s homes for holiday meals for decades; it is no longer interesting.
Upon being told that I was not coming to their home for Thanksgiving, all three were highly insulted that I wanted to be alone rather than with them. In other words, why would one want to be alone when we are here to be enjoyed? Should I have lied?
Gentle Reader:
No, but you needn’t have explained that you prefer no company to theirs. Are you surprised that they were insulted?
Of course, would-be hosts have no business probing for your plans, which is not only rude but also dangerous. Still, they were trying to be hospitable, and they are, as you say, your friends, acquaintances and admirers.
Miss Manners recommends your saying, “You are so kind to think of me, but I have my own little holiday rituals. Let’s get together another time.” And she would hope they would leave it at that and not make you respond coyly to further questioning with, “Well, if I told you, they wouldn’t be private.”
Dear Miss Manners:
When an eyewitness is interviewed on television or radio news accounts, invariably the news anchor will finish the conversation with a “Thank you.”
I realize that the appropriate response should be “You’re welcome,” but when the story is tragic in nature, that seems inappropriate somehow, almost undercutting the seriousness of the situation.
Usually the witness (or field reporter) mumbles something inarticulate or simply nods his head. In other languages, saying “At your service” works well, but in English it comes off as far too formal. A few try “Of course,” but that seems almost rude.
Is there some better way of responding, something that doesn’t jar, that recognizes the anchor’s thanks without trivializing the incident?
Gentle Reader:
Even so-called guests on the air — experts there to give their analyses or opinions — find this awkward because one wants to give the usual response to “Thank you.” Yet their “Thank you for having me” wouldn’t do at all under the circumstances you describe.
Witnesses to tragedy are more like temporary news correspondents, although they could hardly adopt the response of “Now back to you.” They can be said to be doing their duty to report what they know, and Miss Manners sees nothing rude about their responding with “Of course” or “Certainly,” or even a simple serious nod.
Dear Miss Manners:
Would it be impolite to bring a favorite condiment to a dinner gathering, knowing that the hosts do not have that particular one?
Gentle Reader:
Only if you want to make it clear that you consider their offerings to be lacking taste.