The role model you don’t want for your kids
I can keep my sons from watching reality TV, but I can’t hide the president from them
On a recent car ride back home from basketball practice, I asked my fourth-grade son what he thought about President Donald Trump. His answer was revealing: “Dad, I think President Trump sometimes acts rude, doesn’t always tell the truth, and says too many mean things about other people.” When I followed up by asking him how he thought his classmates felt, he responded: “They think he’s great.”
As a Catholic dad of four boys ages 10 and under, I’m struggling to reconcile the snarky tweets and peevish quotes from President Trump with the core character traits — respecting others, telling the truth and taking personal responsibility — that I work extremely hard every day to instill in my sons. I am not talking about President Trump’s policies, appointments or authority; I’m referring instead to his personal conduct — the words he uses, his treatment of others, and the way he carries himself as somebody kids will look up to and emulate.
It’s exhausting having to parent against the leader of the free world who spouts untruths about even inconsequential things (who cares how many people attended his inauguration?), who has a penchant for not apologizing when he gets things wrong (how do I impart to my sons the importance of telling the truth or apologizing when they are in the wrong in light of “alternative facts”?), and who belittles and name-calls those who ask tough questions or disagree with his positions (this is, to borrow from President Trump’s own Supreme
Court nominee, “demoralizing and disheartening”).
It’s bad enough that presidential put-downs and incivility are happening at all, but it’s all the more disconcerting because nobody can escape President Trump’s disrespectful rhetoric. He insists on putting these statements front and center in the form of inflammatory tweets and statements aimed at maximum exposure and shock value. He wants his words to be seen and heard by everybody — including impressionable young children.
It is as if much of what makes me cringe about bad reality television has now infiltrated the White House. I don’t want my sons to imitate the on-air conduct of most any reality television personality, and that now, sadly, extends to the person sitting in the Oval Office. I can keep my kids from watching reality TV, but I can’t hide the president from them — nor should I have to.
So I focus on what I control. To that end, I have adopted the following approach.
First, I do not shy away from talking with my sons about what President Trump is saying. I take it head-on. Most recently, we discussed why President Trump may be referring to “fake news” and calling the media “the enemy,” and I stressed the need for them to be willing to accept criticism from others and not claim untruths just because somebody disagrees with their position. I want them to engage in debates over ideas and not resort to petty (or untrue) counterattacks. Importantly, I want them to acknowledge when they are wrong.
Second, I ask them to reflect on whether the president’s words and tone reflect our family’s core values. I want my sons to grow up to be honest, selfless and caring men. We have discussed reasons why President Trump may be using language like “so-called judge” or calling people “lightweights” — or why he would disparage other people like U.S. Sen. John McCain or the Khan family, who famously criticized candidate Trump at the Democratic National Convention. We’ve talked about why they think the president resorts to bullying put-downs or attacks, and whether that is a respectful way to either treat others or get a point across. I’ve used these examples to reinforce the idea that nobody is better than anybody else by virtue of gender, race, religion ... or job title.
Third, I press them not to copy or adopt President Trump’s approach in the way they treat others. Just because an adult — including the president — makes mean, personal digs doesn’t give them the green light to do so. We’ve talked about why it’s wrong and hurtful to engage in name-calling (for example, describing anybody as a “dog” or generalizing groups of people as “rapists”) or mocking people (for example, the disabled) for laughs or attention. And I have explained that it is unacceptable, whether in the locker room or elsewhere, for anybody to brag about inappropriate touching of others.
It’s embarrassing that I have to use the president of the United States as the example of how not to behave. Whether or not he recognizes it (or cares about it), President Trump is a role model. He needs to start acting like one — a positive one — and that extends to the way he publicly treats others, what he says and how he says it. Parents like me expect it, and the children of this country deserve it.