Different approaches to religion are likely to drive couple apart
Dear Abby:
For the first time in my life, I am in love. We met about a month ago. I know he’s the man I have waited my entire life to meet. I am 33, so I know what I feel isn’t just lust. We have one huge hurdle, though: religion. He’s actively religious, and I am not, and he doesn’t believe our relationship can survive this difference.
On every other level, we are wonderful. We want the same things in life and share similar values.
Our difference isn’t that I don’t believe in God. I do. But that isn’t enough for him.I told him I would go to church with him and raise our children (his and mine) in a Christian home, but when they are old enough we should allow them to make their own decisions. He says that would be “just going through the motions” and I’d eventually resent him for it.
Must I let him walk away? Or should I fight for what could be (next to my kids) the best thing that’s ever happened to me?
Heartbroken in Texas Dear Heartbroken:
In what way do you plan to “fight”? Do you plan to convert to his religion and devote the kind of time to it that he does? Think carefully about what that would mean.
Though his fervent religiosity is laudable, what this man doesn’t realize is that regardless of the example he wants to set for his children, eventually they are going to make up their own minds and live their lives the way they wish.
This “one difference” is a deal-breaker. He is looking for a spiritual clone. You’re not it, so let him go. Dear Abby:
The company I work for recently switched to digital phones that show the caller’s name and location on a screen, no matter where they are in the building. Years ago, I formed the habit of introducing myself when placing a call: “Hi, this is Sally from marketing. How are you, Trent? Great! I’m calling because …” I have been informed that what I’m doing is old-fashioned, unnecessary and a waste of everyone’s time.
The preferred method would be to launch into the heart of the conversation with no introduction, just “Hi. I need instructions for the new projectors” because the person already knows who is calling. To me, this feels rude, especially when talking with someone I see rarely.
I can’t help but wonder what the longterm office climate will be like if everyone is so terse. On the other hand, many of my younger co-workers would prefer not to talk at all and conduct business by email or text. Any conversation feels excessive to them, and they are humoring me by answering the phone.
Where is the middle ground here? How can I maintain what feels like basic good manners and human interaction without annoying my colleagues?
Polite in California Dear Polite:
There are certain niceties that make interactions with others more pleasant. Though you may no longer have to announce that you are “Sally from marketing,” it is polite to inquire how the person is doing or how the day is going. It’s a pleasant conversationstarter and a transition into the business you will conduct. Because you are getting flak for it, go to your employer or H.R. for guidance in navigating the new system. Dear Abby:
My wife and I have been married 13 years and have two young sons. She’s a free spirit. She likes to independently make a lot of decisions that affect us both. This has led to arguments about what should or should not be decided on together.
We have had years of counseling with multiple professionals. Frankly, I feel she ignores my opinions and concerns if I don’t agree with her position on an issue. She will commit to a compromise, then turn around and do what she wants anyway.
Recently, she brought up having permanent eyebrow makeup done on an international trip she was taking without me. I asked her to wait until she returned so we could discuss it further before she jumped into it. Despite promising not to, she did it anyway, and I think it looks awful.
I’m left feeling my trust in her has been further damaged, and I have a reminder of it staring me in the face on a daily basis. How can I trust her in the future? How can I get past looking at her ugly choice every day?
Disgusted in Arizona Dear Disgusted:
If “years of counseling” haven’t worked for the two of you, I think it’s fair to conclude that you and your wife have a troubled marriage.
Though some might say that it’s your wife’s face and what she puts on it is her business, if a daily reminder of her broken promise to you is a deal-breaker, it may be time to consider whether you can forgive her or if it would be in everyone’s best interests to go your separate ways. In marriage there is supposed to be compromise.
If you are staying because of your sons, take into consideration that because your relationship with your wife is dysfunctional, the tension your boys are exposed to on a daily basis is not healthy.