Getting your wedding gift back — well, sort of
Dear Miss Manners:
A wedding celebration I was to attend was called off at the last minute. I cannot fault anyone for canceling the nuptials if the bride or groom did not want to get married. But my mother told me, years ago, that good manners dictate that the gifts for a canceled wedding be returned. I was waiting to see how this would be handled.
I soon got an email from the store at which the bride was registered. It stated: “We are in the process of getting all gifts back from the bride, but we have been asked by the bride’s mother to give all purchasers a store credit. You can call us the next time you need a gift for anyone … We can access any major department store registry and typically save you 20 percent from the department store prices on most major brands. We also have over 50,000 items on our own website.”
I am offended. Is this an acceptable way to return a gift? I feel that the mother preempted my decision about what to do with the returned present, but maybe I should just be thankful that I am receiving something back. After all, the bride could have kept all the gifts.
Gentle Reader:
It hardly seems better that they are, instead, being held on consignment. Perhaps with the notion that it would be convenient for all, this woman has forced her guests into the unpleasant position of having to ask permission for what is rightfully theirs.
If you have the gumption to do so, Miss Manners will allow you to politely decline the offer, saying, “I appreciate the discount, but if you do not mind, I think that we will go through the trouble of returning the silver water filter ourselves.”
Dear Miss Manners:
I am moving back to my home state in three months. An aunt of mine found out about this move and sent me, via social media, an invitation to my cousin’s (her son’s) wedding since I would “be in the area.”
Honestly, I am not close to my extended family; I barely even know them. I wouldn’t mind going to the wedding to extend an olive branch and maybe start to know them better. But can I really put any weight in a social media invitation from the mother of the groom? I feel that if they really wanted to have me, they would have sent a real invitation. How should I respond?
Gentle Reader:
To your cousin. He will surely have a more direct line to whether the rest of the family has other ideas: “Aunt Destiny was kind enough to invite me to the wedding through social media, but we all know that such invitations are tenuous at best. Are you sure that it would be all right if I attend? I would love to see the family now that I am in closer proximity.”
And then Miss Manners suggests you send an equally charming note to his fiancee, saying how much you look forward to getting to know her better — either at this event or another one — to ensure direct invitations in the future.