Understanding the peculiar politics of fundraising parties
Dear Miss Manners:
A number of friends are hosting parties to raise funds to support a candidate for president.
I have already given what I can to this specific cause. May I use my prior donation as “credit” and still attend my friends’ parties?
Gentle Reader:
Your friends are not likely to think so. Unfortunately, donations to parties like these are often the price of admission — and past donations are not likely to live on in the memory of campaigners who are trying to raise funds.
Miss Manners does not hold out strong hope that different parties will be held for past donors, but perhaps you can gently suggest that to the friends whose parties you will be declining. “I am afraid that we have met our budget for donating to this particular candidate, but here is hoping that when she wins, we will all be able to celebrate together.”
Dear Miss Manners:
Destination bachelor and bachelorette parties seem to be the norm. Is the best man or maid of honor expected to pay for everything?
My son seems to think it is his responsibility to pay for “their” big weekend, even if they are calling for an expensive destination party. I think he is heading for a huge disappointment if all of his friends get married before him and, when his turn comes, these same men will be kneedeep in mortgages and car payments and maybe even children. They may not be able to reciprocate.
I tried explaining this to him, that not everybody has the kind of income to be able to afford this kind of extravagance.
Gentle Reader:
Does he? Is your son truly prepared to pay for the vacation of the groom and all of his friends?
That is generous indeed. But it being “his responsibility” is what gives Miss Manners pause, not the idea that it will not be reciprocated. Agreeing to be honored in a good friend’s wedding does not mean signing up to pay for expensive group vacations — no matter what the magazines and affianced tell you. Your son would do well to suggest that these expenses are shared — or if he feels he is unable to get out of the assignment, that he get to pick a venue that he can better afford.
Dear Miss Manners:
Twice a year, I visit an old man who has worked in my industry since before I was born. He’s something of a mentor. When we meet on the weekends, it is at his country home, and members of his staff serve lunch and then drive me back.
My spouse thinks I should bring a gift when visiting anyone at home. I wouldn’t have a clue what to give a business acquaintance, particularly someone of exceptional wealth, so I send a handwritten thankyou card a few days later. Should I be doing more?
Gentle Reader:
While a present is not strictly necessary, Miss Manners takes issue with some of your reasoning: 1. That rich people only like expensive presents and 2. That you could not possibly guess what a man you frequently visit and who shares an interest in your industry might like.
Thoughtful thank-you letters are sufficient. But the occasional small present, like a book or token that references something you have talked about, would also be exceptionally charming.