Did my boyfriend’s mom snub me via Christmas card?
Dear Miss Manners:
I am 50 years old and have been living with a man for more than eight years (we are both divorced). I have always had a good relationship with his mother, with no issues.
Over the years, we have received holiday cards from his mother addressed to both of us (just our first names, which totally works) and signed “Love.” But this year, the envelope was addressed only to her son; enclosed was a “son”-specific card signed “Love,” and a second card to me with only her name noted.
I mentioned this to my partner and he said, “What is the big deal? You got a card.” I told him that it was hurtful.
Am I being too sensitive, or
Gentle Reader:
Not knowing how this lady generally operates, Miss Manners could not say. It is her usual policy, however, to assume the best.
If you are anxious to find out her intention, you may do so delicately by saying, “It was so kind of you to think of me, as always, with a holiday card. Even more so to go to the trouble of getting us two. But really, Lance and I are at the point where we can share one card. Was there any reason you thought otherwise?”
Then be prepared for an answer ranging anywhere from “I thought you would like the picture of the cats” to “Yes, get away from my son.”
Dear Miss Manners:
When two couples go out for drinks and sit at a bar, do the two women sit in the middle, or the two men?
Gentle Reader:
It depends. Which of the two have more to discuss?
Dear Miss Manners:
I was raised by horribly abusive cult members. As it turns out, they did me a great kindness by excluding me from their lives when I came out as a gay man, decades ago, at age 17. As far as they have been able, they have continued to be abusive. I avoid them as best I can.
When well-intentioned people ask about my family, I usually say that I don’t know them. This often serves to let discerning people know that I don’t want them to pursue the subject any further.
What can I say to those who persist in asking further questions? I realize that those lucky enough to have supportive and loving families sometimes cannot imagine a situation as dire as mine was, and I don’t wish to be abrupt or unpleasant to them.
Gentle Reader:
Saying that you do not know your parents, Miss Manners fears, sets the nosy — and maybe the ordinary — brain reeling, wondering how that is actually possible.
“I am afraid that I am not currently in touch with them, but thank you for your concern” might serve your purpose better. It also has the advantage of being more relatable, even if others’ circumstances are not nearly as dire as yours.