Woman says sister-in-law keeps hiding her pregnancy
Dear Miss Manners:
I have been married for eight years. We reside in my husband’s family’s house with his younger sister, who is a nurse.
We have had trouble conceiving, and have been going through fertility work-ups and treatments. Both our families are aware and supportive of our journey.
However, last year I had a falling-out with my sister-inlaw. She got pregnant, which surprised us all, since we weren’t aware that she had a boyfriend. What irked me is that she just paraded around her pregnancy without even considering my or my husband’s feelings. She didn’t talk to me for the whole duration of her pregnancy.
Insensitive relatives would tell us, “She got pregnant ahead of you!” or “What are you two waiting for?” and so on.
My husband has talked to his sister about how she treated me. Instead of speaking to me personally, she just messaged me after she gave birth that she was sorry that she left me out of the whole pregnancy thing. So we became friends again.
Three months ago, we found out through our maid that his sister is pregnant again, yet she has not taken the courtesy to talk to us. I feel that I am not being treated as a family member. The maid is more like her sister than me.
She should be the one to tell us, but how long should we wait? We are noticing her growing bump. The thing that I hate the most is insulting my intelligence.
She does not help with chores; she is messy and lazy. She is unappreciative of the help we give her by taking care of her child. She acts like a brat when her parents come for a visit.
I think I am going to explode. How do we break the ice with this second pregnancy?
Gentle Reader:
There is a soap-opera level of activity going on in this (apparently) exceedingly large house, what with your sister-in-law’s gentleman callers coming in and out unnoticed, maids who are confidantes — but who do not seem to help with chores and messiness — as well as the seeming ability to reside there without talking to household members for months at a time.
Miss Manners is sympathetic to your situation — to a point. She noticed, however, that you did not like it when your sisterin-law “paraded” her pregnancy and family members talked about it. But then, you also do not like it when you get left out or are not told things upfront and firsthand.
Your sister-in-law might see it otherwise, thinking that she is being responsive to your feelings by hiding her pregnancy and finding another confidante. While usually never a supporter of pointing out ladies’ pregnancies before they are officially announced (the chance of being mistaken is too great a risk), Miss Manners suggests that in this case, you take your sister-in-law aside and kindly say, “You know, we are so excited about your growing family and hope that we can continue to help in any way we can. We do so love having babies around the house.”
You may find yourself with more babysitting duties, but you will have made the point that you are, in fact, intelligent enough to be aware of the situation.
Dear Miss Manners:
My husband and I received a thank-you card for our wedding gift to his cousin and her new husband. The wedding was more than a year ago, but in fairness to the couple, there has been significant upset through that branch of the family since the wedding, so I’m quite willing to ignore how long the thank-you took.
What concerns me is that we were only thanked for one part of the gift, not the other two.
All were boxed and wrapped separately, but were meant to be used — and, one hopes, enjoyed — together.
I don’t wish to be that complaining, ancient family member who nitpicks about not being thanked properly for a gift, but I am concerned that they might not have actually received the other boxes (they were all dropped off at a family home; see above family crises) or that they might have ascribed them to another giftgiver.
Is there a polite and kind way to ask if they got the rest of the presents, without being seen as querulous?
Gentle Reader:
“I am so glad you liked the silver forks. We thought that they would work especially well with the matching knives and spoons.”