Spying on dog-walking friend doesn’t feel very neighborly
Dear Miss Manners:
I have one of those camera doorbells on my front door. Consequently, I can see the comings and goings of a good friend of mine who walks my dogs a few times a week while I’m at work. (She has a key to my house; the camera begins to record and sends a live feed to my phone when it detects motion.)
The trouble is that she doesn’t always walk my dogs. I know this because the doorbell camera doesn’t show her doing so. She comes over, but just … hangs out. Sometimes she does homework, using my printer and WiFi for assignments, and sometimes she does laundry.
I’ve freely offered these things to her, but I am paying her to walk my dogs, as she’s going through a rough patch financially. I trust her in my home, and just think she gets a little lazy, but I still feel taken advantage of.
I know it sounds sheepish, but I don’t know how to say anything to her about this: I don’t want her to think I’m spying on her with the camera, but I also don’t want to pay her to come over for an hour for her own purposes.
Gentle Reader:
And the dogs are also too shy to complain, Miss Manners gathers. If the consequences of their confinement are not obvious, you might work the fact that you have a doorbell camera into an unrelated conversation. As in, “Did you know that the food delivery man often sneaks a breadstick from our order? We have one of those front door cameras and can see everything.”
Dear Miss Manners:
We are a male/male couple, one in his late 50s and one in his early 60s, planning a small wedding with approximately 25-30 guests. Because of our ages and the fact that we have both lived fairly full and enjoyable lives, we do not need anything and would prefer our guests not incur the expense of providing gifts. Heeding your advice, we are creating no registry, shopping lists or any similar shakedowns. Nonetheless, we are faced with the telephone call inquiries as to what we would like as gifts.
The correct answer is “nothing,” but we don’t want to come across as rude or dismissive. How do you suggest we answer these inquiries?
Gentle Reader:
“Oh, please, we really do not need anything. But we’ve always admired your exquisite taste.”
Miss Manners makes a distinction between dictating what one should be given and offering some very general assistance when asked. Or getting others to do so if they are approached.
Trusted friends might discreetly speak of your general taste (“I think that Fred and Arthur like art deco”). Even you can provide helpful clues: “Where did you say you got that etched glass bowl on display in your kitchen?” Of course, such hints should be about things that they can buy within a reasonable price range. Try not to admire their sofa.