Be careful not to overstep when offering guidance to a friend’s child
Dear Miss Manners:
My husband and I made friends with a single father. He has an 11-year-old daughter who is an angel (except that she’s glued to my hip whenever they are over, taking any adult time), and a 3-year-old son who craves attention in a reckless way.
I love kids and have a knack for them, but don’t have any yet. Neither of these children has a mother figure, and they bid for my attention. I find myself essentially babysitting his kids whenever he’s over for my own peace of mind.
The little boy is a terror. On his first visit, he tried to smash a piece of electronics. But I’ve come to find him extremely intelligent and see that he’s being destructive as the only way to get attention.
We had several conversations, and he no longer tries to smash my things; he pets my dogs nicely, instead of trying to hurt them; he won’t go near the wood stove, and is, for the most part, a little angel — here, at least.
But I think I offended his dad. I’m aware it’s rude to parent other people’s children, but the only alternative would be to end the friendship, which I find extreme.
There has been an ongoing issue with the child touching kids at preschool. So I sat him down, explained to him how it’s disrespectful (we went over respect when he was smashing my stuff ), and his dad cut me off, saying that talking to him about an issue for more than a moment makes it worse. (I’ve never seen him speak to the child except in a disciplinarian tone.)
I haven’t seen or heard from him since. It hasn’t been that long, so I doubt he’s absolved the friendship, but how do you suggest I proceed if we continue to be friends?
Gentle Reader:
When it comes to the rearing of children, outsiders (those who do not live with them — inclusive of, but not limited to, friends and grandparents) are usually only seeing part of the situation. What has worked for you and the child may not be working for his father, and vice versa.
You should, however, be able to dictate decorum in your own house, especially when it comes to the preservation of your furniture, dogs, the little boy’s life and your own sanity.
Still, you would do well to make amends proactively: “I am afraid that I have offended you when I thought I was helping. Darwin has responded so well to the chats about respect that we have had that I thought it would help him to understand how it transfers to his friends at school. But I am not the parent, and I did not mean to overstep. I hope that we can continue the friendship, as we have come to love you and the children like family.”
The “like” is a critical qualifier, Miss Manners points out. It ensures that you do not cross boundaries — and that your guests eventually go home.
Dear Miss Manners:
I live in an area where the residents have been ordered to stay at home because of COVID-19, and I’ve spent more time recently communicating with my friends and family through phone calls, emails or text messages, as most are in the same situation.
It has been a good opportunity to reconnect and catch up, swapping stories and comparing our similar tales of inconvenience and adjustment. However, a friend who is also in confinement, and who usually phones once a month, now calls four times a day. Her conversations range from her impassioned views on news and politics to her running low on toilet paper.
At first, it was nice to hear from her more frequently, but now it’s becoming a nuisance. What can I possibly say to make her limit her calls? There’s no sense telling her that I’m too busy to talk or that I have somewhere else to be, because obviously she knows that neither excuse is true.
Gentle Reader:
It is a sad situation, and if you and your friend have any mutual acquaintances, you might suggest that they check in with her. But Miss Manners does not expect you to devote your days to endless socializing with one person.
You do have things to do: keeping in touch with other people, and perhaps that dreaded fallback of the quarantined — household organization and chores that you had always claimed never to have the time to perform. And only under these special circumstances — namely, that your devices are currently your only way of making sure everyone is all right — Miss Manners will allow you to sign off on one rambling call to take another.
The best excuses are always no excuses. That way, there is no danger of being misbelieved or found out. So learn to say, “Sorry, can’t talk now.”