People often communicate in different ways
Q: I just had a coworker waste 30 minutes of my time because she didn’t like me texting her to get an answer on information I needed. Instead of her getting me the information, she walked into my office to ask if I had face-to-face communication problems because I always text her. I know what I wanted to say, but I was polite instead and defended myself for texting. I gave her every reason why I do not have interpersonal communication problems.
I like getting things done fast, and texting is the most convenient way to communicate. I don’t like being interrupted with phone calls or office visits. I lose focus and it’s easier to make mistakes. I can ignore a phone call and answer it later, but stopping in is the worst. I pointed out to her that people keep their cell phones on their desks for that purpose. You can answer when it’s a good breaking point and you can respond immediately if you see something’s an emergency. Texting respects people’s time, even if it’s a note asking for a time to meet. I might have gotten a little rude by the end of my defense.
I could tell she was irritated at me responding with my opinion, but I know I’m right. I could have said so much more, but I thought I said enough to drive the point home.
My problem is two-fold. Do I have to apologize for being a bit forceful? I was opinionated, which is not typical for me, but sometimes I’m short on tolerance with people I don’t really like. She had interrupted me, so I gave it back. What am I supposed to do?
A: Your reasons for texting are good ones. But she may have her own reasons for coming to your office. She may lack social skills and accusing you of communication problems may have been an awkward attempt to satisfy her need for verbal contact.
Regardless of the amount of work the two of you have, people have different social needs, and yours may be less than hers. She may also think you’re texting to avoid her and not because you want to save time. Of course, it may also be that she sees her opinions as more important than yours, in which case your explaining why you prefer texting is not going to break through
her facade.
The same words and actions can have very different meanings to different people, which is why clear communication is difficult to achieve within an office. Try a different approach with your methods. Though you think your text messages are clear and concise, she may not interpret them to include the message of “do not disturb.” It’s important to treat your coworkers equally, since no one likes to feel singled out for particular treatment. The next time you need total concentration to get your work done, close your door, posting on it a friendly note of “working under deadline” or “need total focus for the next hour.”
A friendly but serious message tells all your coworkers, not just one in particular, that you need temporary silence. If you have questions for a coworker, text the same message that’s on your door and then follow it with your question.
If she still goes against your wishes, you’ll know she’s insensitive to your requests and you won’t need to worry about whether your stern work attitude has offended her. You may even feel more comfortable taking the problem to your boss. Giving her a direct dose of her own behavior may temporarily satisfy you, but could eventually lead to a scene you won’t want to be part of.
Another option is to try to be more tolerant. Her behavior may not change, but changing your attitude could reduce your stress and irritation, thereby making your day at work a better one.
Q: I work for the smallest department ever — we have a boss and two of us coworkers, a man and I’m a woman. The boss is a 40ish-year-old woman; we are late 20s. Our boss comes across as a very sexual person. She favors my male coworker like I’ve never seen. Around me, she’s normal and acknowledges my work and competence. Around my coworker, she turns into a different person. She doesn’t do anything inappropriate other than to take up a lot of his time.
My coworker and I get along well, but our relationship is a work one and nothing over-the-top or personal. We kid around when we have time, and we work steadily when we have to finish a project.
When she stops by, she will sit in his office and talk to him forever. I, of course, am left doing more of the work. He doesn’t enjoy this situation, but he also doesn’t complain about it.
I told him he could say non-threatening things to cut the “visit’ short, like “I should really get back to work so Susan (not my real name) doesn’t have to finish it all by herself. But he won’t. He says he doesn’t want to offend her, so he lets her talk on and on. She takes from a half hour to an hour of his time every day with one visit. She very occasionally does the same thing with me — coming into my office and chatting for extended periods.
Because we’re a staff of two, we don’t have a lot of time to waste. I was considering walking into his office when she’s there, maybe after 10 to 15 minutes to ask for help or to say I can’t do the job alone, but I don’t know how she will react to my interrupting her.
Her boss is in another location, so he rarely comes by. If I do something to cut their visits short, will I be kissing my job goodbye? I get the feeling she could be a jealous person, and I don’t want her to think my asking for help is anything more than business.
A:
You are in an awkward spot, so it’s good you’re sensitive enough to recognize it. What you’re identifying as perhaps sexual may simply be another issue, and she prefers male attention to female attention. Since she visits you as well, only not for as long a time, rest assured she’s satisfied with your performance.
In fact, it sounds like your only complaint about the job is that you’re doing more work than your counterpart because of the time he spends with her.
You seem to finish the work, even with his limited help. If you are not being asked or ordered to do overtime to get things completed, (hold on, you may not like this) I suggest you keep the peace and let it be. Here’s what could happen if you don’t: However innocent your interruptions are, she may view them as threatening.
If you feel she may be jealous, the likelihood is she will be. Your gut feeling is sending you an important message. Listen to it. You seem to like the work and the amount of it. You may be feeling taken advantage of because your coworker chooses to not complain, but clearly both of you are sensing the same vibes from her.
She doesn’t just want male attention; she needs it. Stopping it will upset her, and she will likely punish you for it. If you’re not willing to jeopardize your job, accept that no job is perfect.
You’ll know when it’s time to start a job search — you have nothing more to learn, your relationship with your boss makes you miserable, or you find exciting job ads that you have a chance at landing.
Coasting in a job is fine, but if you want to advance, a larger company will offer greater potential.