What theworld needs now is more adoptive parents
To be a mother, I would have to give up my two boxers.
That’s one of the more ridiculous things the world whispered to me since I set off on the journey to become an adoptive mother more than a decade ago. But I didn’t have time for negative comments; adoption was always in my life’s view.
The truth is, though, I never wanted to birth a child. I learned not to talk about it because the judgment could be harsh. People can be mean.
My doctor freed me of such societal pressures when she suggested I look at it differently: “Joy, ask yourself, ‘Is it important for you to carry a child or be a mother?’ ” Her words gave me courage and helped me focus on becoming a foster-to-adoptive parent to two beautiful, smart siblings.
Being a mother is everything to me. It’s given me a voice to speak in ways that I couldn’t before. It’s made me stronger. As November is National Adoption Month, I talked with fellow adoptive parents about this journey, which is often riddled with challenges and heartbreaks but, at the core, is a commitment to love.
As we’ve seen, we need a lot more of that.
In Texas, there are more than 30,000 children in foster care and nearly 3,000 in Harris County. There are about 400,000 nationwide in foster care systems. That’s a city of children potentially needing families.
When it comes to race, 44 percent of the children in foster care are white, 23 percent Black and 21 percent Hispanic, according to the Administration for Children and Families.
Most of the children in the foster care system have been failed by adults, repeatedly. They’ve been abandoned, abused and ignored. Though the pain should not be theirs to bear, the world heaves it on them, then leaves them basically to fend for themselves. We often treat our animals better.
Although the average age of a child in foster care is 8, those 5 and older statistically are considered hard to adopt. Everyone wants babies, experts say. They are cute, don’t talk back and likely haven’t been churned through a system of abuse and neglect yet.
Herein lies one of the biggest misconceptions about adoption.
“People think when you adopt, you are going to get a baby from the cheerleader who at 17 got pregnant and moved in with Grandma. People don’t want to take a drugaddicted baby or a baby from someone who is homeless,” said Tara Brivic, who with her husband, Reed Looper, has two adopted children: Sadie, 5, and Cory, 1.
“People think adopting a child is a consolation prize. It’s not at all,” Looper said. “It’s the greatest thing in the world.”
Sadie was born the seventh child to homeless parents who were into drugs. She was also the first to be born in a hospital. Her mom never had a day of prenatal care.
“The sins of the parents are not the sins of the child,” Brivic said. “I wish more people knew that and were respectful about adoption. There shouldn’t be a stigma. She’s beautiful and smart. I tell everyone everywhere she’s adopted. I want people to know. It’s when it’s a secret that it becomes shameful.”
Aside from the emotional benefits of adopting, there are some financial ones. Those adopted from foster care are often eligible for free tuition to Texas public colleges and universities. Their health care is covered through Medicaid until age 18, and some families qualify for monthly financial assistance.
Still, there is an undeniable fear of adopting, which prevents many families from doing it, said U.S. District Judge Vanessa Gilmore, who adopted her son, Sean, 19, as an infant. She currently serves on the board of DePelchin Children’s Center, and Sean is now a student at American University in Washington, D.C.
“I had to be convinced to consider adoption after it wasn’t biologically feasible for me to have my own children,” Gilmore said. “I had to look at other options when I realized my goal was to raise a child and not just have a baby.”
Gilmore ultimately pursued a private adoption, but most adoptions come through the foster- care system, she said. In 2012, Gilmore wrote a novel, “Saving the Dream,” about a young woman’s decision to place her baby for adoption. Today, she’s most concerned with children who age out of the foster care system without sufficent resources.
“Many parents of these children are incapable of caring for them, and giving them up is a gift so that the children may have the life they deserve,” she said.
Gilmore, like Brivic, was adamant about not keeping her son’s adoption a secret. Instead, she made it a celebration. For several years on his adoption anniversary, she’d bring out the cake and party favors.
“I wanted a positive experience associated with the word ‘adoption,’ so Sean knew it as a party day. There was nothing negative about it,” she said.
My own children are aware they are being adopted. I can’t discuss their case or where they came from because they are still in the foster care system. But they are mine, and they know it.
“Mommy, I’m happy,” says my dimpled, bright- eyed son, who is always smiling.
“You happy, too?” he asks. So sweet.
I’m writing this not for sympathy but for awareness. We need more adoptive parents, who can love these children in spite of their circumstances.
I’ve visited churches and talked with curious couples and singles who are exploring adoption. I tell them that it’s worth it, but I understand their caution. This is hard and not for the wary.
After many months of classes and training required to become a foster-to-adoptive parent, there were days in the first year that I thought I couldn’t do it, especially as single woman with a career I love. There were constant visits — therapists, attorneys and case workers — in and out of my home. It’s was hard not to feel probed and prodded at every turn. Then there was daily parenting of a child who has been through trauma. The simple act of removing a child from the biological parent can cause long-term trauma.
There was also the reality that any child I took in could be reunited with the biological family. You’ve seen the movie. Professional couple adopts a child, then the drug-addicted mother gets her act together and swoops in to take the child back.
It happened to Michael Chmiel, co- owner of Jack Meier Gallery on Bissonnet. A 5-yearold boy was placed in his care for several years. Chmiel had planned on adopting him, but the child was returned to a relative.
It felt like a death in the family, Chmiel said. He took some months off before fostering and ultimately adopting two sons — Isaac, 13, and Francisco, 9. He now also has a 12-year- old foster son.
Chmiel is so proud of how far his boys have come and what they’ve overcome, without being on medication.
That’s significant, given that nearly 1 in 4 children in foster care is taking at least one psychotropic medication — more than four times the rate for all children, according to the Children’s Defense Fund, which has reported on the overmedicating of children in foster care.
“For all of what my boys have gone through, they’ve never had a meltdown or turned aggressive. They are happy to have a home that is stable and peaceful and where they know someone will wake them up for breakfast and pick them up from school,” said Chmiel, who boxes at a gym for therapy.
The world has it confused when they call me and other adoptive parents heroes. It does require patience and compassion, but I’m no Mother Teresa.
My children are the heroes. In spite of everything, they are thriving.
I followed my heart and became a mother. But if I listened to the negative whispers, I would have never known these two incredible human beings who laugh at my silliness and love my dogs.
“They are happy to have a home that is stable and peaceful and where they know someone will wake them up for breakfast and pick them up from school.”
Michael Chmiel, adoptive father
“People think adopting a child is a consolation prize. It’s not at all. It’s the greatest thing in the world.”
Reed Looper, adoptive father