There’s nothing wrong with refusing presents from an ex
Dear Miss Manners:
My partner of many years and I broke up last year under what could euphemistically be called “difficult circumstances.” I was, as they used to say, the innocent party.
Neither I nor my three adult children had (or have) any desire for continued contact with this person, but when he and I met casually at a social event recently, he made reference to something he had seen that he wanted to get one of the children for Christmas.
Now, we were all raised to be gracious in receiving gifts and prompt in acknowledging them; however, I can assure you that such graciousness may well be beyond the reach of my very well-bred children.
Is it ever permitted to refuse a gift? If so, how does one do that? All of my children live out of town, so the anticipated mode of delivery would probably be the U.S. Postal Service.
I was too surprised when he brought this up to say, “Oh, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” but I also want to protect my children as much as possible from a really impossible situation.
Gentle Reader:
Gifts cannot be refused merely because you loathe the gift. But they can be refused if you loathe the giver, or distrust his intentions — an exception the Trojans forgot, to their peril.
Doing so is not a neutral gesture, which is why it is not to be done indiscriminately. As your children are adults, they may have to mail the unopened presents back themselves. Were they still in your immediate care, Miss Manners would agree that the task would fall to you.
Dear Miss Manners:
I am ashamed and mortified to say that when I visited my sister-in-law’s home, I stayed too long. In hindsight, I realize how obvious they were being about wanting me to leave.
She had called and invited me over, I was not late, and was only there approximately 45 minutes to an hour.
I am beside myself at not getting a clue sooner, or knowing what I should have done different. I am just ashamed, embarrassed and mortified at myself and the situation.
I would like to know how best to let them know that afterward, I recognized my faux pas of overstaying my welcome, and that I am truly sorry. What is the best and proper way to convey my apologies?
Gentle Reader:
Without more context, it is not clear to Miss Manners how a 45-minute, invited visit could have been a major imposition. But whatever your sister-in-law did obviously made a strong impression, albeit a delayed one.
Did she clear the table, wash the dishes and start the laundry? Did she turn off all the lights? Did she excuse herself and reappear in her nightgown? Now that you have learned her signals, Miss Manners recommends you commit them to memory for next time — and include a limited reference, in your next conversation, to your hope of not having inconvenienced her.
Dear Miss Manners:
I am dating a very nice man I have known since high school. We have been officially dating for two years and the relationship is going very well.
As we are both over a certain age, many of our close friends ask why we don’t live together. I don’t think they are being nosy, it just seems to be “the thing to do,” and they are wondering why we haven’t followed suit like other couples.
We are perfectly happy living separately; I have expressed this, along with the fact that I don’t believe in it. I have teens, and although I am divorced, I don’t believe in living together without a marital commitment. This is just my way.
I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, but after two years of explaining this to people, I’m tired of repeating myself. Is there any way to just politely end this line of questioning?
Gentle Reader:
Do you really not consider this a nosy question? People often wonder about other people’s private lives, but Miss Manners does not consider this an excuse for prying.
You are not required to satisfy this curiosity. The response to why you do not live together is because you live in separate homes. Repeat as often as necessary.